So I’m up as usual about 4:00 a.m. my time, hello 4 been waiting on you. !!!
Well I went to bed pretty early, because I was totally exhausted this week and could no longer hold my eyes open. Friday came crashing down around me like some energy drink, I’m just doomed by the end of the day. This week like most weeks in my life took a lot out of me, and again I felted overwhelmed and aggravated with the whole process. Now, remember me writing telling you all I would continue to write about the bad things that take part in my life, but I also wanted to give you all a little bit of the good. So where do I start???? I think I will start with the bad just to keep you in suspense as I reveal the most exciting news by far. Here we go:
- Monday was very awful and y’all know how much I dread this day, and like usual I got the bad news of my little cousin being murdered. 17 years of age, gone over some senseless argument over nothing. My world just fell apart because I remember him being born and how cute and chubby he was. Words can’t express how awful I feel for his mom, I could only cry and let her know that I would be there for anything she needed. We as black people have to do better with our youth and gun violence. His funeral is this afternoon and my son was asked to be a pall bearer, this hit Kenneth pretty hard. I can only imagine he is thinking of everything that’s going on with him, so I’m trying to be strong because I know he needs me. So far I have put on the biggest front of my life. I just want to break down, and let him know that I’m so afraid of losing him. I don’t, and instead I just keep praying for him everyday.
- Tuesday of course wasn’t much better, because I woke up with a hangover. Yes, I know I’m fasting for Lent, but the news of my cousin passing just put over the edge for a minute. So I did what I normally do, is drink and drink until I can’t remember anything. That only lasted for that night, and then of course with my damn head pounding I came back to reality. Went to work looking horrible and crazy, hair hasn’t been done in about 3 weeks (a record for me). Coworkers asking “are you ok”, do I look ok? I made it through that day, and prayed about falling off my fast for a bit.
- Wednesday-Thursday I managed to pull it together, was feeling really out of it and was trying to put on this front for my hubby. He came home for a couple of days and I just know he is tired of seeing me looking a hot mess. I’m usually wearing a scarf on head, big girl panties, and some old lady night-gown. I don’t feel sexy, so I don’t dress sexy anymore. Praying and praying he doesn’t want to have sex, but he’s a man so of course he does. I just have no desire at all to perform my wifely duties, and this makes me so sad. He doesn’t deserve this, after being on that road for days the least I could do is fix myself up. I just have no energy, or motivation to do anything. I did have a talk with him about it, and I was real honest. For once he didn’t act like a spoiled kid, he actually told me it was ok and to get myself better first. Whew…what a relief, I love him and don’t want any other woman doing for him what I’m so good at doing, lol!
- Friday, St. Patty’s Day and the school was a lit up with green. Of course I managed to put a cute green bow in my hair (finally got my hair did), and a cute green top. I brought the kiddos a special snack and we made Shamrock hats. The school was full of laughter, but I was dying inside. Dying to get home and pull off that shit and collapse. I’m not that happy, and it was exhausting trying to fake it all damn week. I made it home and in my mind I was going to clean up and bring out the Easter stuff, yeah right. The bed was calling my name and I jumped right in, I missed going out with my friend after he so generously asked me out. I just wanted to sleep this awful week away, still anxiously awaiting the phone call from my son’s lawyer has taken a toll on us all. I can’t imagine my child in a jail cell, so I’m hoping God can turn this situation around. He has so much he wants to accomplish, praying the justice system does right by him.
Well after all that doom and gloom, I really do have some exciting news of which I have known about for a while. At first I wasn’t happy, hell I was down right mad but I can see the positive in this particular situation. So here we go??????????
In July this year, I will officially become that ‘G’ word!!!! Lol you know the word…..please don’t make me say it!!! Oh well it’s Grandma…..yes my baby is having a baby and I am actually pretty happy about it. I know he’s to young (21), but of course he didn’t listen to all the stories I told him about me. So I was very upset and actually depressed, because I felt he was falling into the same trap I did. All I could think about is him losing his life to take care of another life, what I mean by that is, I couldn’t fulfill my dreams because I had to be a parent first. After much talking, lol ok yelling we agreed to disagree about his future and he assured me that he was going to make me proud as a new dad. Well here it is, I’m going to be that ‘G’ word!! Yes I know, I’m to young and I look to fab to be that word, so we have decided that Kayden (baby’s name) can call me “Abuela”. That’s the ‘G’ word in Spanish because his mom is of Mexican decent, since that’s going to be his second language might as well teach him now, lol!!! See something good did happen to me, and I can actually see the positive in this. I’m ready to go baby shopping, and first on the list are Gucci Moccasins….yes my little man will wear great shoes like his Abuela…pics to come I promise. Thinking about him coming into our lives, makes me hope maybe he can turn my frown upside down.
Well there you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly of my week. Guess what?? I survived another one, without falling off a cliff. Like my quote said, it is ok to feel nothing because all I feel sometime is pain, but hopefully things will look up soon. I’m going to try to keep it together for this funeral today, please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers…chat soon.