Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Another Monday as Usual

Well it’s Monday, all I can do is shake my head. After a pretty decent weekend, and I promise I tried staying positive about my life. All weekend, in the back of my mind all I could think about is “what if”? I spent a little money this weekend, and tried not to feel guilty. I brought a new outfit and again I tried not to feel guilty. All I can do is laugh right now to keep from crying, being with my bestie was great. The place we went was a diaster, celebrating a close family member only to be totally disrecpted. Funny in her defense she doesn’t even think she is doing anything wrong, or does she? So Sunday came I had a little anxiety attack, I talk myself down because I was trying to be positive and think positive. Went to bed, and prayed for a good Monday! Lmao, I guess ‘The Big Guy’ didn’t get it. Woke up feeling kind of iffy, but tried shaking the feeling off. Well then I lift my garage and what do I see??????? A damn frog, yes and if you have been keeping up, I told you all how everytime I see a frog it’s a bad omen. NO, I’m not that crazy, but it’s so damn true. He literally was looking right at me when I came out. The pup tried running to it, but I just shut the garage down and ran in the house. I started breathing heavy because I just knew it was sending me a sign something bad was going to be happening. And just like clock work, shit hit the fan. This situation with my son has come full force, and basically at this point it’s safe to say he may have to do some jail time. SMH, the pastor said a couple of weeks ago that “it will get worse before it gets better”. Hell, I guess this is it! The next step is death, because I’m not going to be able to go on with him locked up like some criminal thug. All I keep thinking is where did I go wrong as a parent? How could he be so selfish, and stupid? He wasn’t raised this way. His kid will be born in July, I just can’t imagine the pain he will feel if he misses the birth. My chest is hurting, my head is pounding! I need a damn drink, don’t want to break my fast but what the hell? Praying isn’t getting me one place right now, life just keeps getting worse and worse. I’m so tired of getting happy only to be let down. Tired of dreaming about the future when my present shows me nothing good now. Again, I can’t for life of me understand what I’m doing wrong? How come this cloud just sits on top of my house? I just keep thinking He is punishing me for something. I’m just going to give up moving forward with anything, because I’m tired of letting myself down and tired of getting my hopes up. Maybe I have already lived the best of my life and since I didn’t do what I was supposed to, it’s just to late now! Off I go to bed, I just don’t feel like dealing right now…chat soon.

Ms. Fran

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5 thoughts on “Another Monday as Usual”

  1. You have NOT lived your best life. Maybe the black cloud is sitting over your house because you expect it to. I know this is easy to say when I’m not walking in your shoes. I’ve never gone through what you’re going through right now but I have had a black cat following me for years and used to say the same thing. Why is this black cloud constantly over my house? Then I had to let go of some things, change my way of thinking and re-evaluate my life. Don’t feel guilty about treating yourself you deserve it! That feeling of guilty still tries to creep in when I pop into a store and buy something that shouted my name as I was passing by 😉
    I hope is all works out with your son and your rainbow appears soon. Just remember every storm runs out of rain and yours soon will! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, I know I sound crazy but it’s just something about them frogs! Right now I’m just in a numb state! Thank you again for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries, we have the same thing back home bout Frogs. LOL! LOL! But I had to get rid of that mental programming because bad things can happen regardless or whether or not a frog got in my window 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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