Note To Self #7

It’s the afternoon and the kiddies are sleep, and of course now is the time my mind wonders all over the place. Been reading plenty of motivational books, listening to podcasts and reading tons of scriptures. At what what point can I yell and say, “NOTHING IS WORKING”! I keep thinking God hasn’t brought me this far to fail, but I seriously don’t know. I wake up everyday very enthusiastically, going to bed disappointed and mad. The more I pray, the less it gets through. I’m feeling pretty numb today, because I have decided to not let myself feel. I don’t feel happy or sad. I’m just here! Here taking on the duties of everyone else. Wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, housekeeper, puppy mom and so on! I’m just numb from head to toe. I should be so excited about my grand baby, but I can’t be. Feeling like it will all blow up in my face, I’m planning the baby shower with no enthusiasm at all. This sweet baby didn’t or shouldn’t have to come into this world with a Gigi (can’t say the other word) lol, that is in such bad shape. I certainly don’t want another generation of a child experiencing my life and this family. He just doesn’t deserve it. I just can’t help but wonder what is my purpose here? It shouldn’t be this hard, I mean I have more resources than some people. I know people who have gone through way more than me and bounce back. I know I haven’t come this far to fail, but what gives?

Ms. Fran

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