Good morning, I sit here at my computer in so much pain. Pain in my heart, brain and body. I can’t understand how I got to this place. I’m no longer the happy, cheeerful, funny lady. This diease has a mind of it’s own. I spent all day in bed yesterday only getting up to walk the dog. I lay down staring at the cieling, imaging another life other than this one. I can’t explain my emotions, feeling trapped in this weak body. Last week was really difficult for me, as I try to encourage others I fail to take my on advice. Then Friday night came, and I drank more than I should have. I haven’t learn yet how to cope with day to day life. The meds seem to work okay, I haven’t had any thoughts of harming myself. I guess a good thing right??? I can’t help but think, WHY ME???? I let a whole Saturday go by without stepping outside to enjoy the sun. My room is dark like some of my thoughts. I feel like a vampire. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to shake this crazy feeling running through my mind. I have no strength or motivation to do anything, I feel stuck. I can’t wait for the day that I feel better. I believe there is more for me than this. I know that this disease doesn’t define me. I’m trying, I really am. I’m sorry my family doesn’t understand how the smallest things can leave me feeling terrified, overwhelmed and out of control. I feel alone, like no one truly understands how I feel. I feel like a burden, a constant worry for my friends and family. I promise I hear the, “you will be fine”, or “we are for you”. Hearing those things makes me feel good for a little while, then after that I go back into that crazy world of self-doubt. I KNOW I’m trying, and desperately want to be well, brave and strong. Someday it will be a reality, until then I will be still and wait for this to pass.
Ms. Fran (Depressive Diva)