Well it’s Thursday afternoon and I have had at least 2 good cries today, once this morning and at the docs. Woke up feeling really achy, just wanted to run back to bed. Yesterday was pretty good, and yeah mom’s birthday dinner was great. She really enjoyed herself and we had no interruptions. It was a really good day for her. So I manage to get out of bed to do a house today, but then I had a panic attack for no reason at all. Then the tears came out of nowhere, just couldn’t stop crying today. My body is in so much pain, I couldn’t even lift my vacuum. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, but I’m tired of that. Talking with the therapist today made me feel a little better. She is trying to come up with the best treatment for me. I explain to her how hard it is to live in this body, I wish it was like a cold that just goes away in a week. I’m just exhausted from doing nothing, which also exhaust me. I’m tired of feeling like this. Tired of having so much ambitious in my brain, but body is stuck in turtle mode. I wake up in the morning, dragging myself out of bed, forcing myself to do something. I’m just trying to survive now. I’m tired of thinking the next day will be different, but going to bed knowing nothing changed. It’s like being on a roller coaster that gets stuck mid-air. I’m beginning to feel numb again, like why should I get up? Get up to struggle through day again and again. I’m just so tired of being tired. Tired of fighting, tired of not answering my phone, tired of isolating myself. Yet, I don’t want to do anything and I barely want to see anybody. As the time ticks down for the baby and the court case, I find myself rocking uncontrollably and biting my nails and lips. It’s been one of those days and you would think I should be use to it by now. Oh well all I can do is hope tomorrow will be better. Chat soon…..
Every day it’s a struggle to just exist!!! Good read!