Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

A Year In Review…..

Well this is the last Thursday of 2017 and by this time next week my son will officially will be in prison for 2 days, but I’m not going to let that get me down. I have come to far to go back down that dark hole. WOW….I have come such a long way this year, and I really want to step into 2018 with my mind focused and ready to take back my life. This year and previous years before were pure hell, the constant disappointments, the crying, the late nights with anxiety attacks, and oh the constant thoughts of suicide. For about four years I was in such a damn funk, I didn’t ever see me getting better at all. My marriage was in trouble, I was flat broke, and could barely get out the damn bed. I didn’t want to live anymore…hell for what nothing was going my way and I couldn’t figure out why God was making me suffer for so long. Hell, I took my dad in, made sure he was good and neglected my own health for him. The man who raped me….I’m now his caregiver for as long as he is living. I’m no longer mad about that, just didn’t understand why none of my blessings were chasing me down like so many people said they would. Did God forget about me? Why did I have to go through so much hell, pain, and suffering? Life just wasn’t worth living anymore, I drank uncontrollably just to medicate the pain. I drove drunk more times than I would like to admit, I was out of control and didn’t give a damn anymore. My whole entire life just started flashing before my eyes during my drunken nights. Hoping I drank just enough to forget about everything, everyone, and most of all me. I had considered myself a failure, yes I earned two degrees, landed a couple of teaching gigs, but I just couldn’t cope. Why should I be happy, no one around me was happy, no one cared what I did, they just looked at me as some drunken mess. Feeling guilty, worthless, hopeless, were the only feelings I could feel. I had friends who were brave enough to keep the pills out of my hand, and comfort me when I needed it the most. Then the day came, it was time to end it all. I drank and drove myself to the gravesite where granny is, I needed to talk to her, I needed to know that she was ready to see me. I needed to know that I was making the right decision about ending it all. But God……my granny was my angel, I checked myself into the hospital that night. I was saved by my granny, and I will be forever grateful to her in heaven. Checking myself into the hospital was the best thing I ever did! I got on the right meds, I’m now seeing a therapist and I have been feeling better everyday. Then all that came crashing down when my son decided to get himself into some damn trouble. Are you kidding me????? This can’t be happening, my sweet baby boy was now a convicted criminal. My heart is crushed, the life I planned for him was over and there was no helping him out of this.  Why oh Why? But thanks to my meds and the much-needed therapy I think I can accept this situation for what it is. I am now the mother of a convicted felon, and guess what?…it doesn’t make me a bad mother. I raised him right and he decided to make a bad decision, although he was 19 at the time I won’t make too many excuses for him. So as I look back over this year, I’m happy for all the hell I went through. I now know that I can freaking handle things, I now know that my life isn’t over if something bad happens. I’m studying mindfulness, patients, and learning how to cope without drinking. Life is getting better, and I’m going to get stronger. I’m going to walk into 2018 killing shit…I’m tired of being sad and life is to freaking short. I want to be able to share my story with the world, I want people to know that it is a rainbow at the end of that damn dark cloud. So cheers to a New Year….chat with ya soon!

Ms. Fran

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s