Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Well I Made it Through the Week!!

Happy Holidays ya’ll, it’s Saturday and I haven’t gotten any shopping done for the rest of my friends and family. I have decided to just shop online and be done with it. My anxiety is too much for the crowds out there in the malls, but everybody looks so happy to be spending all their damn money, lol! Well I manage to make  it through the end of the week without falling completely apart. Both of my groups this week were very helpful, and I had dinner with my Ivory my sweet friend. He constantly lets me just rant and go on without telling me to shut up, lol! I’m trying to keep really busy as the time counts down, I have some orders for bracelets, I’m putting together a new FB group and working on lots of new things for 2018. I was even thinking of hosting a little late night dinner with my mom and sister, but that idea just went straight pass me. I really don’t want to be alone this year, I feel like if I’m left alone I will melt down. I need some laughter in my life, but my mom and sister work my damn nerve. The more I’m around my mom, the worse I feel. I don’t  know if I mentioned that I hired her to work with me in the afternoons twice a week. Once again trying to take care somebody when I’m fortunate enough to share. She really needs the extra cash and I try to get her out the house more, but I just can’t bear to be around her for too long. I love her to death, but when I see her life style I’m just so depressed. She’s only 63 years old and acts like she’s 75, mom doesn’t come her hair, put on clothes, or even get out and date. It makes me sad, that I have one parent I’m taking care of  already and now I feel like I’m doing the same with her, just wish she would get herself together. I keep thinking if I’m constantly around them, I will never be more than I am right now. You all know my story, and that I have started doing things a lot late in life, but I don’t want to be pulled back in. Don’t want to be pulled in to that, ‘I’m just ok life’! I just want so much more, and I’m not going to let my circumstances hold me back. They just seem the same way from year to year, and I’m just so scared that they want to let me go. I told my hubby that I wanted to find someone or my sister to take care of dad, so me and him can move to another state. The only thing is dad probably would be crushed if I did that. That’s another topic, I feel so stuck with him even though he’s not living with me anymore. Oh well not going to bore you all with my sadness. So wishing you all a great Saturday, chat soon….

Ms. Fran

 

Advertisements
Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Christmas Thoughts!!

Happy Tuesday, well I’ve been sitting around feeling sad and in my feelimgs, but decided to get up and just be thankful. As I look around at my life I have come a long way and I don’t plan to give up. There are so many people who won’t have family with them this year, and people who still don’t have homes to live in, and people escaping fires like crazy. It could be so much worse for these people and yet you usually see them on the news helping others. Here I am with a roof over my head, food, clothes, hell a pretty decent fucking life.I  know you all were thinking that, just sometimes I have to think on things a little longer. So I’m going to volunteer somewhere and keep my mind off of the bad things. I know that things will be ok and I just have to get through this as well, so I’m hanging the suicide thoughts up for the rest of this year. My son seems to be in good spirits, and I don’t want to ruin that for him. So off I go to spread some holiday cheer, also my doc put me on another med to ease the anxiety for a bit. Hope it works….chat soon!!!

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Fashion Show Alert…about Sunday!!!😊👗

Well if you read this blog, you know that I was preparing myself for a fashion show Sunday past. My anxiety was sky high, and my nerves were in my stomach. I wanted to just pass out. My dress was cute, the venue was fab, and all of my friends were there…including my sister. I stepped into the place and just had to catch my breath. I couldn’t believe I had signed up for this shit, lol! I’m not ready to come out of the anxiety closet yet!!! My hubby was very supportive and did a lot of encouraging me before time. I was breathing so heavy, I had to stand outside and catch my breath. Can you believe last year this time I was a fucking basket case. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. My soul was dark and cloudy like my mind. Well….needless to say the fashion show was a success and I did the damn thing.!! I gathered my nerves together, with the help of my ladies in the group and my friends and walked out fabulous. I felt like the old confident, Diva 👨‍🎤 me!!! It was amazing…I can’t thank Diamonds and Pearls enough for allowing me into the group. They were very welcoming and just took me in! My friends cheered me on and it ended up becoming a fun night. I did all of my breathing exercises and decided it was all or nothing. So here are a few pics from the night…chat soon!!!

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

“I’m Ok” 2 words I thought I was done with…😔

Woke up again from a super crazy 2 hour sleep, went to walk the dog and to my surprise everyone was there. Usually I’m the only one on my late days, but this morning eyes looking puffy from crying, I had to say those 2 words. The 2 words we use when we are totally lying by about how we feel. “I’m ok” I know they saw the sadness in my eyes, and I was only minutes away from a complete meltdown. I wanted to be left alone today, not have to talk to anyone. I just don’t want to keep repeating this lie. No, today I’m not ok, but I don’t have any energy to explain why. Besides I think everyone has heard this story before, so this time I’m just going to stay to myself. I hate having these fucking episodes, it takes so much out of me, and keeps me from doing anything. My house is a mess, my life is a mess, my hair is a mess. I’m a freaking MESS! I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks, she called today and I lied. I just wanted to scream at her, and ask “WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN LADY, I NEEDED YOU!!!😠Of course she was on vacation and that mad me even more upset, you leave and get sun, while I’m home going freaking nuts. Oh well off to my dads, kind of glad he can’t really see to good. I mean not like that, lol! I just don’t have the patience to explain anything, and I absolutely don’t won’t to ruin his day. Chat soon….

Ms. Fran