Well what a difference a day makes, of course you all have read me saying that before. But it’s so true, yesterday was such a great day. My friends wedding day, a chance to get all dressed up and celebrate her. That’s exactly what I did, and my crazy brain stay away. She looked absolutely gorgeous and the groom wore a kilt (he’s Scottish)! When I tell you I was so obsessed with the kilts and tried to find out what was underneath 😂😂😂😂The wedding was just amazing and I had a lovely time. Came home a tad bit early, because I’m still exhausted from the Texas trip and wanted to just get in my bed. Slept pretty well all the way through church this morning, the pup didn’t even get me up! Smh! So my son and I got up and decided we would do some baby registries! Omg what fun I had with him pointing that little gun at all the baby things. They have so many new things out, I was overwhelmed by just love!!! I can’t wait to hold that little munchkin in my arms. But then reality sinks in, and we have to prepare ourselves for the day of sentencing. Will they send my son to jail? I can see how much it’s starting to weigh on him, he’s asking questions and I can’t help him. I can’t help my son out of this, I absolutely don’t know what the hell to do. Once again I’m just stuck, and it’s sad to say that the shots of liquor are becoming more frequent. If it isn’t food, it’s the drinking. One shot turns into the bottle, then I’m feeling sick and guilty the next day. One day I’m up, the next I’m down! I’m biting my nails and lips more often, my body feels like a truck hit me. I promise I’m trying to venture into new things, but it only holds my attention for seconds! Lord I’m just falling apart, again how much more can I take? Everybody keeps telling me it’s going to be ok? I wish I could believe that! Chat soon….
It’s about 2:45 a.m. and we are at a rest stop to get some sleep. Tuesday didn’t go so well with my son, he is now facing jail time after accepting a plea. I can’t tell you all the pain I felt, seeing my son, my baby boy, take a grown man deal. There was nothing I could do for him, nothing at all. As me and his baby’s mom sat there in tears, I felt like such a failure as a mom. I felt embarrassed, hurt, alone, and scared. His dad didn’t even try to make the damn trip, once again like always the burden was on me. Feeling like the scared 19 year old, when I first had him. I didn’t know what to do then or now. How did he get himself in this mess, some mess that will now forever ruin in his life??? My heart aches so bad, I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I feel like giving up. How much more can I take??? Since 2014, nothing but bad, sad news everyday and year. I just don’t understand what good can come out of this. Where is the positive in all this? Why do things continue to fall on my lap? Where did I go wrong in life? Why am I being punished so? I guess I don’t understand when or how life will get better for me. I’m tired, exhausted, frustrated, depressed and disappointed. Disappointed in myself, my life, and how I let things get out of hand. How can I go on? Everybody say I have to be strong for my son, but damn I’m tired! He like my dad, didn’t consider how this would affect me at all. Everybody walks around like, oh she will be ok! No, I’m not ok!!! I’m tired!! Tired of holding everybody problems in my hand. What I can’t understand is why God is allowing this? Why can’t I catch a break? It has to get better, but when??? Maybe the only peace and rest I’ll get is when I’m dead and gone. Chat soon….
Feeling a little horrible today, hell all week! Tired of being tired, wish I could dig out of this hole I call life. I’m depressed about being depressed, tired and head hurts. I have no energy at all, suppose to be packing for this Texas trip. I really have prayed this day would never come, so ready for this situation with my son to be over. With the luck I have it can only get worse, chat soon…..
What a great read, and a perfect way to sum up what a child having anxiety may understand. I wonder if I was this way as a child, I always felt some type of way but couldn’t explain it. Of course know adult in my life, wouldn’t dare discuss it! I enjoyed this article!
Happy 21st birthday to my wonderful, smart, funny, and kind son. You are my reason for living and I thank God everyday that I’m here to see you grow into such an incredible adult. You have had many curve balls thrown you way, but you batted them out the park and continued running. I’m always your biggest fan, cheering you on in life good or bad. 21 years ago, you were born to a dumb, uneducated, rebellious teen. You came with no instructions, but I managed to learn and become the best mom possible. I supplied your every need, cried when you fell, laugh when you told corny jokes, and was there for you when dad wasn’t around. Your my hero son, because despite your mistakes you continue to remain positive and steadfast. Your determination is so amazing, I couldn’t be more proud of you son. You are my world, I never thought I could love someone so much and here you go! Many Blessings today son and every other day, may God continue to look over you and direct your steps. I’m the proudest mom ever, continue to do good things baby!!!
Hello 4 a.m. as always I’m dressed and waiting for you, nothing cute this time just a head scarf and some big girl panties. lol!! I fell asleep about 10:30 and just knew my mind was going to be clear with no worries…NOT!!! I just can’t help worrying about this situation surrounding my son, we haven’t heard anything from the people in Texas and it’s killing me. As much as I want to be happy for us with all the plans we are making, I can’t! I’m so scared God is just going to say not this year either Fran. So afraid that every time I put a plan in place to move myself into a better direction, that it’s going to all come crashing down around me. February is when shit usually hits the fan, so hoping this month just passes us by. He will celebrate his 21st birthday on the last day of this month and I just want it to be the best birthday ever. I got on my knees and told God that I would put everything on hold in my life just so my son can enjoy his. I can care less about selling my book, being successful with my blog or even healing if my son could just be able to live his life with this case from over his head. And yes I know he made his bed, and he should have to lay in it, but it was one mistake and I really believe he has regretted it everyday. I just don’t want God to punish him for my life, or his dad. He deserves a second chance at getting himself together, like all the chances I had and didn’t take advantage of.
I don’t know what to think anymore, I try to stay positive and then that goes down the tubes. I have had so many bad things happen that totally out weigh my good. Again, I can’t help but look at other people who I don’t see doing shit to better themselves, but living like they have not one care in the world. I keep asking “why are you testing me Lord”? I’m not that strong…I’m barely hanging on as it is. I’m smiling and being strong for him, don’t want him to see me at my worse so I hold it in all day. Deep down I’m dying, I just want to hug him and say “everything will be ok”, but I don’t know if I really believe that yet. LOL…as I’m sitting here wiping my tears and pouring my heart out, all I can think about is how horrible this tissue is that my husband brought home. My gosh…men, you can’t live with them and you can’t kill’em. SMH He is no longer doing the tissue shopping, well on that note let me dry my eyes and try to get some sleep. Chat soon……
Today I admire my son for the man he has become.
Today I admire him for out waying the odds.
I admire him for continually keeping the faith when so much is stack against him.
I looked at him today while he was fixing his car, and had to cry. No matter what he is facing, he continues to be happy and gracious. You all know he is facing a little trouble, but he hasn’t let that get him down. He continues to talk about all he is going to do with his future and how he will be better than before. Today I felt like the child, because I can’t get hold of life right now and glad he doesn’t see that side of me. I felt like a child staring up at their role model, and it just amazes me how cool he is! I couldn’t be more proud of him for taking responsibility and trying to get his life back on track. I wish it was that easy for me, but I will continue to watch him grow and take notes!!! I love you son!!! Mom