Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Some Days are Better than Others!

Sometimes left to myself I get kind of sad and low, my husband for once notice I wasn’t feeling happy today. Some days are better than others, today isn’t that day! I miss my son so much and being so far away from him makes it even worse, I just still can’t wrap my mind around him being back there. As I sit here typing and crying my little eyes out, I keep looking at all of his things in the closet and wonder how did we get here? I know it isn’t my fault, because I raised him well. Just how did we go from a boy scout uniform, football uniform, army uniform, to a prison one? I swear I’m doing so much better than I imagine I would, just the thought of not knowing what’s going on between waiting on emails and calls is pure HELL. I don’t wish the way I feel on my worst enemy, this isn’t fun. My cousin who son was murdered told me, “at least you get to see him”! I know where she is coming from and feel so bad that my son is living, but he’s living behind bars like an animal. I didn’t raise some dog dammit, my heart hurts like hell. On the bright side, glad hubby is watching me and feeling my pain sometimes. He came home with the most beautiful flowers, so something good is coming out of this situation. Chat soon….

Ms. Fran

Advertisements
Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS TO HELP WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

The truism about this subject matter falls within the contextual terms of “depression’ and ‘anxiety’ before proper proceedings on the subsets of the act of mindfulness, let us define the state of mindfulness and know its prerogative link with depression and anxiety . From the English advanced learner’s dictionary, it defined mindfulness as an act of being aware. However, this form of awareness can come in two forms consciously or subconsciously. With this explanatory views let us decipher the meaning of depression and anxiety. Depression   in psychotherapy and psychiatry is a period of unhappiness or low morale which lasts longer than several weeks and may include ideation of self-inflicted injury or suicide while anxiety is an unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event. Be that as it may, these two wonderful definitions are linked with mindfulness which has a base in the cognitive faculty, the practice of mindfulness and its salient help to depression and anxiety. A human mind is filled with activities of the past, present and future as it tries to unravel many mysteries or to fathom the reason behind his failure and success stories, that is when the mind begins to suffer from its negative or positive result. When anxiety occurs in a man as regards to achieving an important task or objective, perhaps if this objective is not achieve after a whole lot of brain work thus depression sets in.

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

A NOTE FOR MOMS DEALING WITH INCARCERATED CHILD

It’s all about moving on and finding purpose

Injustices do happen and in prison you would find number of cases of those people who don’t belong to it but you can’t have control on each and every situation.  Everyone wants to embrace freedom but some unwanted situations and circumstances twist the wheel of life! Don’t forget what is forgotten as you have the tendency to turn garbage into gold and it is never too late to shape your future with one’s talents. So moms, while it can be really harsh and painful (we can’t even quantify it) but don’t allow clouds of fear and uncertainty to overshadow the positive sunshine! Every situation in life is meant to teach some lesson and moving ahead is the key!

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Day 3: A Mom is Sentence Too

The days seem long as hell, I know it’s only been three days but in my mind it feels like forever. I take my phone every place I go even in the shower, yes in the shower!! I don’t want to miss his call, hearing his voice somehow soothes me. We spoke today for the maximum 15 minutes, it’s totally annoying hearing that woman on the phone counting down your time. I now feel bad for the times I brushed him off because I was sleep, or depressed. Working all day helps me out, it’s the nights that worry me the most. He sounded a little better today, I sent some money to his girlfriend to put on his account to get some shoes and snacks. Can you believe his father hasn’t called me yet for the address or to find out how he is doing???? This baffles me so freaking much, because the one time my son could use his dad would be now. Thank God my husband has stepped up in his place, how stupid can you be? Oh well not going to dwell on his stupid ass for too long, hell my son could care less about him. I just can’t see how you don’t think about someone you brought into this world and call yourself a man. My heart aches for my son, I know he made his bed, but I’m still his mom. He will forever be my sweet baby boy…..chat soon!

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Feeling Lost!

As I look forward to the New Year, I also wish I could turn back time. I wish my little boy was still little, I wish he still needed me, I wish I could take his place in that prison cell. As the days pass away, I can’t help but feel so lost. He’s still my baby and there’s nothing I can do for him now. I’m trying to be strong, glad he can’t see my eyes now.

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

A Year In Review…..

Well this is the last Thursday of 2017 and by this time next week my son will officially will be in prison for 2 days, but I’m not going to let that get me down. I have come to far to go back down that dark hole. WOW….I have come such a long way this year, and I really want to step into 2018 with my mind focused and ready to take back my life. This year and previous years before were pure hell, the constant disappointments, the crying, the late nights with anxiety attacks, and oh the constant thoughts of suicide. For about four years I was in such a damn funk, I didn’t ever see me getting better at all. My marriage was in trouble, I was flat broke, and could barely get out the damn bed. I didn’t want to live anymore…hell for what nothing was going my way and I couldn’t figure out why God was making me suffer for so long. Hell, I took my dad in, made sure he was good and neglected my own health for him. The man who raped me….I’m now his caregiver for as long as he is living. I’m no longer mad about that, just didn’t understand why none of my blessings were chasing me down like so many people said they would. Did God forget about me? Why did I have to go through so much hell, pain, and suffering? Life just wasn’t worth living anymore, I drank uncontrollably just to medicate the pain. I drove drunk more times than I would like to admit, I was out of control and didn’t give a damn anymore. My whole entire life just started flashing before my eyes during my drunken nights. Hoping I drank just enough to forget about everything, everyone, and most of all me. I had considered myself a failure, yes I earned two degrees, landed a couple of teaching gigs, but I just couldn’t cope. Why should I be happy, no one around me was happy, no one cared what I did, they just looked at me as some drunken mess. Feeling guilty, worthless, hopeless, were the only feelings I could feel. I had friends who were brave enough to keep the pills out of my hand, and comfort me when I needed it the most. Then the day came, it was time to end it all. I drank and drove myself to the gravesite where granny is, I needed to talk to her, I needed to know that she was ready to see me. I needed to know that I was making the right decision about ending it all. But God……my granny was my angel, I checked myself into the hospital that night. I was saved by my granny, and I will be forever grateful to her in heaven. Checking myself into the hospital was the best thing I ever did! I got on the right meds, I’m now seeing a therapist and I have been feeling better everyday. Then all that came crashing down when my son decided to get himself into some damn trouble. Are you kidding me????? This can’t be happening, my sweet baby boy was now a convicted criminal. My heart is crushed, the life I planned for him was over and there was no helping him out of this.  Why oh Why? But thanks to my meds and the much-needed therapy I think I can accept this situation for what it is. I am now the mother of a convicted felon, and guess what?…it doesn’t make me a bad mother. I raised him right and he decided to make a bad decision, although he was 19 at the time I won’t make too many excuses for him. So as I look back over this year, I’m happy for all the hell I went through. I now know that I can freaking handle things, I now know that my life isn’t over if something bad happens. I’m studying mindfulness, patients, and learning how to cope without drinking. Life is getting better, and I’m going to get stronger. I’m going to walk into 2018 killing shit…I’m tired of being sad and life is to freaking short. I want to be able to share my story with the world, I want people to know that it is a rainbow at the end of that damn dark cloud. So cheers to a New Year….chat with ya soon!

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Well I Made it Through the Week!!

Happy Holidays ya’ll, it’s Saturday and I haven’t gotten any shopping done for the rest of my friends and family. I have decided to just shop online and be done with it. My anxiety is too much for the crowds out there in the malls, but everybody looks so happy to be spending all their damn money, lol! Well I manage to make  it through the end of the week without falling completely apart. Both of my groups this week were very helpful, and I had dinner with my Ivory my sweet friend. He constantly lets me just rant and go on without telling me to shut up, lol! I’m trying to keep really busy as the time counts down, I have some orders for bracelets, I’m putting together a new FB group and working on lots of new things for 2018. I was even thinking of hosting a little late night dinner with my mom and sister, but that idea just went straight pass me. I really don’t want to be alone this year, I feel like if I’m left alone I will melt down. I need some laughter in my life, but my mom and sister work my damn nerve. The more I’m around my mom, the worse I feel. I don’t  know if I mentioned that I hired her to work with me in the afternoons twice a week. Once again trying to take care somebody when I’m fortunate enough to share. She really needs the extra cash and I try to get her out the house more, but I just can’t bear to be around her for too long. I love her to death, but when I see her life style I’m just so depressed. She’s only 63 years old and acts like she’s 75, mom doesn’t come her hair, put on clothes, or even get out and date. It makes me sad, that I have one parent I’m taking care of  already and now I feel like I’m doing the same with her, just wish she would get herself together. I keep thinking if I’m constantly around them, I will never be more than I am right now. You all know my story, and that I have started doing things a lot late in life, but I don’t want to be pulled back in. Don’t want to be pulled in to that, ‘I’m just ok life’! I just want so much more, and I’m not going to let my circumstances hold me back. They just seem the same way from year to year, and I’m just so scared that they want to let me go. I told my hubby that I wanted to find someone or my sister to take care of dad, so me and him can move to another state. The only thing is dad probably would be crushed if I did that. That’s another topic, I feel so stuck with him even though he’s not living with me anymore. Oh well not going to bore you all with my sadness. So wishing you all a great Saturday, chat soon….

Ms. Fran

 

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Well it has hit me!!☹️🎄

Yes I do…all I have done this morning is cry! Last night I got some troubling news from my son, who only has 24 days to go and it just breaks my hurt. It wasn’t anything bad, I just think this girl and her family trying to use him. (more on that later) I just keep walking around the house, listening to Christmas music and wishing my boy was home. I just want to spend a little more time with him before he goes off . I could fly there again, but the last time was not good(more on that too). I want him home, everybody keeps telling me I have to let him live his life. How can I just let go? My only son is going to jail, and I’m sorry I feel horrible today. All I want to do is drink and stay in bed. I had plan on going out today, but I can’t even bring myself to eat. It’s getting harder and harder as the days go by so swiftly. I look into his room and cry, cry and wonder what went wrong? I really don’t want to fall back into my hole, but I just can’t cope right now. Chat soon….

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Your Depression isn’t My Depression!!!

 Let me repeat that again, “Your Depression isn’t my damn Depression”!!! Ok, so I have this friend who is beautiful, single, independent, and a great mom. I like her a lot and try my best to be there for her, if only to listen to her cry or talk. I always want to be there for any friend, because they have all been there for me. Now, this shit is getting out of hand….she has been walking around since Monday saying, “she’s depressed”. Now don’t get me wrong, I totally understand that every now and then some people will experience depression. But… to come to me and say that shit pisses me the fuck off. She actually had the nerve to say to me, “I’m coming to you, because you’ve been depressed before”. “Been depressed before”????? Hell I’m still depressed, the fucking nerve of you???? Shit I wish I had her depression, you know the kind that goes away after you eat a tub of ice cream, or screw some random guy, or the kind that goes away after shopping. I mean how stupid can one be?? My depression isn’t your depression, it’s like you still don’t fucking get it at all. I have worked hard to start recovering, but it doesn’t make my illness any less. Being depressed about some damn relationship is just crazy as hell to me, hell it’s to many men in the damn world. Try changing the color of the man you want, or try a woman, lol! Hell just don’t compare my damn depression to yours. This gets me so damn mad, but I’m going to calm down and gift her my ebook for Christmas, lol! I just don’t want people to continue mixing the depressions up, I think it’s rude and self-serving. There are too many of us out here dying, from suffering so bad. Depression isn’t the same as feeling blue, so get over yourself, put on makeup and go out and meet new man. Thanks I’m done, now back to your regular scheduled programming…..chat soon.

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

In My Feelings Tonight😔

Its Sunday night and I have finally laid down for the night! It’s been an awesome weekend. My Clemson Tigers won the ACC Championship. I Finally got the decorations up, did some crafts, and managed to check some emails. The house looks like a winter wonderland, xmas music 🎶 going and all seems well. At least it should be….I can’t help but feel so sad that I will starting the New Year off with my son going to prison. Today all I could do was cry, I’m just in a sad mood tonight. I’m wondering will I be ok during these 10 months, will he? How will his mind be after this? Tonight is the first time in a while that I’m really worried. I know God has his back, but he’s my only child. How did this happen? Why? Have I come far enough out of depression, only to go back down that dark whole. Will this send my recovery crashing down? I just have to keep praying, a little Christmas miracle would be so lovely right now. Hope you all are well, chat soon….

Ms. Fran