Speaking honestly about Mental Health could save at least one life! I intend on sharing my story, because someone talk with me!!!
Hmm does that title make sense? Can you have hope, but feel so completely hopeless all the time? I get up every morning hoping, then go to bed after the world shouts “NO” feeling hopeless. Nothing goes right, people aren’t right, and I physically just can’t deal. I literally just want to stay in the house and hide, I keep thinking if my husband feels this way about me, what do others feel?! They keep saying, “God woke you up”, but for what? For what? To struggle through the damn day tired, exhausted, hopeless can barely function.! As you can tell this morning isn’t good at all, but I have to pull it together! It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I’m having the worse episodes of my life this week. Tired of being tired….chat soon!
Hello bloggers, it’s only Tuesday and I’m over the week already. No matter what I do, life just keeps throwing this curve ball my way. I could barely keep it together last night, had 2 attacks back to back felt like my life was coming to an end again. After getting up and moving around I managed to catch my breath and relaxed the rest of the night. I promise I have been trying, my mind just won’t let me be. Financially I got bad news today, husband decided to be an ass and my poor son looks worried. I have been trying to get myself back on track with my finances, but when you get a little behind it’s soooo hard. My husband decided today that, I’m not sick because I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. He told me he needs a break from watering the grass because he’s tired. Me *blank stare*😳 Tired are you fucking kidding me????? Try battling this brain day after day. I work 2 jobs, take care of dad, try to keep the house together, busy being a mom and a wife. He all but said, I do nothing and my sickness is an excuse. My feelings are completely hurt, he constantly kicks me when I’m down. Can he imagine what I go through on a daily basis??? Do he seriously think I like feeling exhausted, confused, lonely, aggravated? All I can think about is WHY things aren’t going right for me. Believe me I’m more disappointed in myself than he will ever be, but damn have some compassion! My son isn’t handling his situation to well, the closer it gets to sentencing day the more he worries. The baby is due then also, and I can’t do anything to help my son. I feel so helpless!!! Dear Life….let up a bit please. It’s Mental Health Awareness week, maybe I should have hubby reread my damn book. Hell “We Don’t Look Like We Hurt ” do you get it jackass?????? I’m at work can barely function, my body aches and I have no motivation at all. Trying to hide in my classroom so no one will see my red eyes. Again Dear Life…..please let up!!
Sex and depression my next book, not only does your mental health screw up your mind, it affects your sex life as well!!! Great article!
It’s my favorite time of the morning 4 a.m., and lately I get up but I try to stay off my phone. I’ve had so many things to write in the moment, then I decide to just remain positive and see how I feel in the morning. So far it has been working, trying to get my mind free and clear of all negative thoughts, but that just means I suppress it. I suppress the thoughts, then my stomach hurts, my body just feels physically ill. Of course then I wake up tired and irritated. Tired from trying to keep these things all bottled up, hell it’s not working. I feel myself drifting back into my dark ways, hell I wonder if I ever left them behind.
I been celebrating Mental Health Awareness Month by telling my story, but can barely keep it together. It’s just like me to look out for others before I take care of me. Spreading the word, while feeling like such a mess. I have had some good days, but I swear it’s getting harder and harder. Been having the suicidal thoughts again, which scares me more because I really feel bad just thinking about it. So I continue on, masking how bad I feel inside. I start to feel selfish, because I look at so many people who have it worse than me and wonder how they make it. I’m losing my shit, I just want to stand in the middle of street and yell, “HEY LIFE PLEASE LET UP”!!!! I’m really losing my shit, I feel like I’m trapped in a little room sitting Indian style like a child. With the room closing in around me, no escaping, no lights, just there with no way to move. It’s getting harder and harder to talk with my husband, he isn’t encouraging at all. I don’t dare let my son see me this way, because I have to be strong for him. Talking with friends is a no no, because I definitely don’t won’t to burden any of them with my constant problems. Been waiting all week to hear from a new doctor that takes my insurance, so I’m just out here without my meds losing my shit. My sleep patterns are all off again, I don’t want to go to work. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there until this episode of my life plays out. I really don’t know what’s worse over thinking, or feeling so strong about my life and what a disaster it is right now. I’ve even gone back to listening and reading scriptures everyday. Just anything to keep me lifted up, I hate the way I feel and really wish just for a little life would let up. Well I’m going to finish getting some rest, had a good cry for the first time since last week. Hopefully this rainy Thursday will turn out ok! Chat soon……