This morning all I could do was cry, no not because I’m sad, but happy and blessed. As I look at the pictures coming out of Texas my heart aches. I’m reminded this morning that my problems are nowhere near as bad. I can only imagine what it’s like to lose everything, no food, clothes, everything.! This week I choose to set my problems aside, and continue praying for those out there in need in Texas. The Lord is their comfort…..
Instead of 4 in the morning, it’s 3! Been up for hours now crying my eyes out. Is this a joke, could God just be teasing me? Things were going so good for me, then all of sudden. Sadness, despair, hopeless, and guilt starts to come around again. Do these feeling ever go away? I’m constantly following and reading self help books, scriptures, but nothing. One minute I’m on cloud 9, thinking to myself, “I can finally get past this”. I don’t care much how you pray, believe, or worship. God has His own timing and all you can do is wait. I guess I don’t blame Him this time, because I feel like a fool for thinking I was headed on a road to recovery. I’m back crying, having sleepless nights, and not eating like I should. I have abandoned all my projects I started, because I figure what’s the fucking use?!!! I’m back to the same failure of a person I see in the mirror everyday and basically with the way things are going, it shows too. I’m not going to lie that suicide hasn’t back into my mind. I mean what’s the use? God is waking me everyday just to get by. I’m just a mere existence, and for what? I feel like I’m losing it all over again, trying to hang in there for my son. In a couple of weeks we will learn his fate, and the way my life is going I believe God will take him away from me. That will be my undoing, I couldn’t live with myself if something happens to my son. Mannnn…I’ve seen so many bad days. I just decided this is another year, that’s not my year….I GIVE UP.
May my son be strong and courageous and not fear or be in dread, for it is You, Lord, our God, who goes with him. You will never leave him or forsake him. Deuteronomy 31:6
Woke up this morning with my tall son leaning in over me to see if I’m sleep, I laughed because he’s to grown to be acting like a 3-year-old. So as I get up, he looks worried and anxious. He has something to tell me again, so I listened to what he had to say, but I’m lost for words. You all know by now that the baby is coming, and so is that dreaded court date. My son is running around trying to figure things out, and I can’t help him. I can’t help him, because I feel numb. All I can do is listen and try to feel his pain, but I’m numb. See I feel in my heart that things will work out, but that’s not what my depressed brain is saying. In my brain, while in this chronic state, all I can see is things not working out, because of this curse that’s looming over me. Who knew parenting would be this hard? Who knew I would have to still be a parent in my depressed state? It’s almost too much for me, the feeling like I somehow have failed him, because I can’t feel. How can I tell him things will be ok, when I’m taking tons of meds because I really don’t believe that. I carry around my baggage and his, the weight of everything he is going through is on my shoulders today. As I sit at this computer crying my pretty little eyes out, I put my hands together and look above, because only HE can bring us through this…only HE! Chat soon…..
Lord, be with my son in trouble; rescue him and honor him (Psalm 91:5).