A Mom Is Sentenced Too: Made it 30 Days

Well it’s now February, we have made it exactly 34 days, I’m so amazed at how I made it through. Some days are better than others, but we are doing the best we can. It took a little minute for him to settle in, but he has made do. I still get worried from time to time, and have trouble sleeping at night. He’s my only child and everyday I think of him, never imagining him behind prison bars. I’m going to visit him this month, his birthday is on the 28th, and I hate he has to spend his 22nd birthday back there. I have found some support groups online that I engage with, it breaks my heart to read all the mothers comments. I’m just glad I’m not alone in this, and know that it’s not my fault he is back there. Most of the family speaks with him, and his father hasn’t called or put any money in his account. It pisses me off so bad, but hell did we think he would do anything? Oh well I’m just happy that I have kept myself busy and haven’t had too much time to cry or be sad. All I know now is this has been the most humbling experience, and it’s really painful to admit this. I never wanted to be this parent, I have protected him so long. He is my life and I miss him so much, hope I’m in a good place in my head to see him in that uniform. His girlfriend told me he looks good and healthy, she said she also feels a little more relax when visiting him. That makes me feel somewhat ok, but as a mom I need to see this shit for myself, lol! My baby boy….please God continue to send angles to protect him everyday. 

Ms. Fran

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Happy New Years Eve and Happy Anniversay to Me!

2017 is officially coming to a end, as I celebrate my 13th wedding anniversary. We have seen many ups and downs in our marriage. Times when I just thought it wasn’t worth fighting another year, but here we stand 13 years strong. I must admit every sense I started getting myself on track I was able to understand him more. He still doesn’t understand the mental illness, but he does understand that I need my space when I’m having an episode. He not only provides for me, he also tries to go out his way to make life happy. So to those of you who are fighting to save your marriage, and believe it’s over after the first year….take it from me, look in the mirror and see if you can do better. Tonight I have been invited to many places, but have to admit my son is on my mind real heavy. I believe he will be ok, and that he will get through this strong. I just worry about his mindset and how much he will miss his son. I’m going to do my best to keep his spirits up, and step in to help Gen (mom) with my grand baby, I still can’t fathom him his life going this way. So everybody I’m wishing you all a Happy New Year and many blessings. For those of us who suffered so much, may God give us double for our trouble. Chat soon….

Ms. Fran

 

Well I Made it Through the Week!!

Happy Holidays ya’ll, it’s Saturday and I haven’t gotten any shopping done for the rest of my friends and family. I have decided to just shop online and be done with it. My anxiety is too much for the crowds out there in the malls, but everybody looks so happy to be spending all their damn money, lol! Well I manage to make  it through the end of the week without falling completely apart. Both of my groups this week were very helpful, and I had dinner with my Ivory my sweet friend. He constantly lets me just rant and go on without telling me to shut up, lol! I’m trying to keep really busy as the time counts down, I have some orders for bracelets, I’m putting together a new FB group and working on lots of new things for 2018. I was even thinking of hosting a little late night dinner with my mom and sister, but that idea just went straight pass me. I really don’t want to be alone this year, I feel like if I’m left alone I will melt down. I need some laughter in my life, but my mom and sister work my damn nerve. The more I’m around my mom, the worse I feel. I don’t  know if I mentioned that I hired her to work with me in the afternoons twice a week. Once again trying to take care somebody when I’m fortunate enough to share. She really needs the extra cash and I try to get her out the house more, but I just can’t bear to be around her for too long. I love her to death, but when I see her life style I’m just so depressed. She’s only 63 years old and acts like she’s 75, mom doesn’t come her hair, put on clothes, or even get out and date. It makes me sad, that I have one parent I’m taking care of  already and now I feel like I’m doing the same with her, just wish she would get herself together. I keep thinking if I’m constantly around them, I will never be more than I am right now. You all know my story, and that I have started doing things a lot late in life, but I don’t want to be pulled back in. Don’t want to be pulled in to that, ‘I’m just ok life’! I just want so much more, and I’m not going to let my circumstances hold me back. They just seem the same way from year to year, and I’m just so scared that they want to let me go. I told my hubby that I wanted to find someone or my sister to take care of dad, so me and him can move to another state. The only thing is dad probably would be crushed if I did that. That’s another topic, I feel so stuck with him even though he’s not living with me anymore. Oh well not going to bore you all with my sadness. So wishing you all a great Saturday, chat soon….

Ms. Fran

 

So I Made it Back!!!

Happy Sunday all, I made it back safely from my Texas trip. We had to come in early, because of the storm we thought was going to hit South Carolina. I was devastated, but better safe than sorry. Even though we dodge a bullet, we are still not out of the woods just yet. Sending nothing but prayers and positive vibes to everyone in Florida. So as you may want to know, how did the court case come out for my son? Well I’m excited to say the judge and the prosecutor were more than sympathetic to my him. After reviewing the case and reading all about my sons history, school, family life, jobs, and being a dad, they decided that jail isn’t an option. THANK GOD! Well they will look over some more paperwork and reset another hearing for Oct. 4th, I feel really good that they will convict him, but won’t put him in jail. Now, as a black  young man being a convicted felon, will cause all kinds of trouble for him. On the bright side I don’t have to see him go off to jail, and besides he made his bed, now he has to suffer some consequence. He was really nervous, as was I, my mom and his girlfriend. We just didn’t know what to expect, but his lawyer was damn good and very convincing. I walked out of there, thinking God has not left my side. *sigh* I have had so many bad things happened these past years, I just went in thinking this is out of my control. So my mind was at peace, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the trip.

Now, let’s talk about all the damn cuteness that I was surrounded with! My grandson and his sister are just as adorable as ever. I held him most of the time when I wasn’t fighting my mom for him, lol! He is doing all a lot of smiling and cooing, my heart just melted at the sight of him. I got to feed him, change him, and kiss him to death. He actually slept in the room with us all night, we wanted to give my son them a little break. Kayden was a perfect little angel, he slept all night after we put a little oatmeal in his milk. My mom is really old school and thinks he wasn’t fat enough for her, lol!! My son’s girlfriend insisted we stay with them, and we obliged. I cooked my special company lasagna, and we drank the night away. I had so much fun, just talking, laughing and enjoying the sun sitting on the porch. My son looked so happy, and I all I could do was go in the bathroom and cry. Crying not because I was sad, but happy about something for once. Life was really good in Texas, I needed that vacation and glad I was able to go. We had safe travels and made it back before the storm. Well here are some pics of my little man, on GrandParents Day today, I feel so blessed to have this title. He has really stolen my heart and I can’t wait to spend more time with him and watch him grow!!! Have a great rest of the Sunday!! 

Ms. Fran


Wow what a Hell of a week😊💕🍷🎉

First of let me start off with cute pics of my grandson, yes I’m going to be that Gigi😂I had the pleasure of having him and my sons girlfriend spend the week with me. So if you notice I was missing this sweet lil guy is why! My son, girlfriend, and her mom was here and we had blast. All night partying, talking, laughing, and drinking 🙃I was in granny heaven with all the love surrounding me. Just think a couple of months ago I checked myself into the hospital because I wanted to end it all. Glad I came to my senses when I did and sought out help. My son seems really happy, the baby is absolutely beautiful, and their family has accepted all of us. So a whole week of  love from both sides of Kayden’s family. This was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Well then I got the bad news that my son would be moving back to Texas.😞 Yes, I’m so heartbroken because I kind of got use to him being around again. I enjoyed cooking for him and the talks we have. I know he isn’t my little boy anymore, and he showed me just how much of a man he was. He was up when baby got up, changed diapers,(even the poopy ones), fed him, and just really helped out a lot. I offered my time, but he was having none of that. Now this isn’t how I expected his life to turn out, but it did! I know he has taken the things I’ve taught him and applied them to his life. I’m very proud of him, and wish the best for his whole new little family. 

So then today happens, well kind of all week, but I was distracted with all the company. The bad, negative thoughts in my head. No, not the suicidal ones, just the self-doubt, guilt, and worthless ones. I know I missed a couple of days on my meds, because didn’t I want to mix with drinks. These thoughts just been pushing to get inside my head all week, and this morning they did. I woke up with no motivation, and self-doubt. Still trying to wrap my head around this damn disease. How long will I continue to feel this way? Does it get better? I mean it’s a damn pain in the ass to feel this way. After all that excitement, I found myself going to bed at 5pm on a Friday night. Only to sleep half the day today! I have missed two therapy appointments and she has been calling like crazy. She probably thinks I’ve given up on therapy. I’ll call and explain my busy schedule. Anywho, just wanted to share with you all. Everything has been perfect this week and I can’t wait to see my little man again.😍Hoping you all were surviving without my posts, lol! Well it’s time to get back to normal, whatever the hell that is??? Chat soon….

Ms. Fran

It’s Baby Time🍼💕😍

Well it’s that time, my grand baby is coming today. Her water just broke, so we are almost ready. I’m super excited, so sad I can’t be there, but will see him in a couple of weeks. I can’t believe my baby is having a baby😌! Seems like yesterday I was just holding him in my arms. So I’ll keep you all posted and will post plenty of pics! Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

A Little Self-Doubt This Morning😔

Good morning, I’ve been missing the last couple of days due to a nasty summer cold. It had down and in the bed like usual. So I managed to get up this morning, still feeling a bit off, but I need to get some stuff done. As I got up to walk the pup, this wave of self doubt just came over me. Voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough, I failed, and things won’t get better. See I’m feeling really bad because I wasn’t able to make the trip with my son to see my grand born. It hurts me to my core, once again he needs me and I can’t be there. So I did a little fasting this week, praying that things would turn around but it didn’t. I wasn’t able to make the trip, and no amount of praying got me there either. Now I’m not upset that my prayers weren’t answered. I’m more upset with myself, because I didn’t didn’t have things in place financially to go out there. It’s all my fault and nobody eles’s. My son shouldn’t have to share his special day alone. Since I can’t be there, I hope he doesn’t hold that against me. I’m going to try and throw myself into work, so I can get it off my mind. Just really low today, just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. This is the worst feeling….oh well I guess this too shall pass! Chat soon

Ms. Fran

When My Depression Affects My Grown Son!

May my son be strong and courageous and not fear or be in dread, for it is You, Lord, our God, who goes with him. You will never leave him or forsake him. Deuteronomy 31:6

Woke up this morning with my tall son leaning in over me to see if I’m sleep, I laughed because he’s to grown to be acting like a 3-year-old. So as I get up, he looks worried and anxious. He has something to tell me again, so I listened to what he had to say, but I’m lost for words. You all know by now that the baby is coming, and so is that dreaded court date. My son is running around trying to figure things out, and I can’t help him. I can’t help him, because I feel numb. All I can do is listen and try to feel his pain, but I’m numb. See I feel in my heart that things will work out, but that’s not what my depressed brain is saying. In my brain, while in this chronic state, all I can see is things not working out, because of this curse that’s looming over me. Who knew parenting would be this hard? Who knew I would have to still be a parent in my depressed state? It’s almost too much for me, the feeling like I somehow have failed him, because I can’t feel. How can I tell him things will be ok, when I’m taking tons of meds because I really don’t believe that. I carry around my baggage and his, the weight of everything he is going through is on my shoulders today. As I sit at this computer crying my pretty little eyes out, I put my hands together and look above, because only HE can bring us through this…only HE! Chat soon…..

Ms. Fran

Lord, be with my son in trouble; rescue him and honor him (Psalm 91:5).