First of let me start off with cute pics of my grandson, yes I’m going to be that Gigi😂I had the pleasure of having him and my sons girlfriend spend the week with me. So if you notice I was missing this sweet lil guy is why! My son, girlfriend, and her mom was here and we had blast. All night partying, talking, laughing, and drinking 🙃I was in granny heaven with all the love surrounding me. Just think a couple of months ago I checked myself into the hospital because I wanted to end it all. Glad I came to my senses when I did and sought out help. My son seems really happy, the baby is absolutely beautiful, and their family has accepted all of us. So a whole week of love from both sides of Kayden’s family. This was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Well then I got the bad news that my son would be moving back to Texas.😞 Yes, I’m so heartbroken because I kind of got use to him being around again. I enjoyed cooking for him and the talks we have. I know he isn’t my little boy anymore, and he showed me just how much of a man he was. He was up when baby got up, changed diapers,(even the poopy ones), fed him, and just really helped out a lot. I offered my time, but he was having none of that. Now this isn’t how I expected his life to turn out, but it did! I know he has taken the things I’ve taught him and applied them to his life. I’m very proud of him, and wish the best for his whole new little family.
So then today happens, well kind of all week, but I was distracted with all the company. The bad, negative thoughts in my head. No, not the suicidal ones, just the self-doubt, guilt, and worthless ones. I know I missed a couple of days on my meds, because didn’t I want to mix with drinks. These thoughts just been pushing to get inside my head all week, and this morning they did. I woke up with no motivation, and self-doubt. Still trying to wrap my head around this damn disease. How long will I continue to feel this way? Does it get better? I mean it’s a damn pain in the ass to feel this way. After all that excitement, I found myself going to bed at 5pm on a Friday night. Only to sleep half the day today! I have missed two therapy appointments and she has been calling like crazy. She probably thinks I’ve given up on therapy. I’ll call and explain my busy schedule. Anywho, just wanted to share with you all. Everything has been perfect this week and I can’t wait to see my little man again.😍Hoping you all were surviving without my posts, lol! Well it’s time to get back to normal, whatever the hell that is??? Chat soon….
Well it’s that time, my grand baby is coming today. Her water just broke, so we are almost ready. I’m super excited, so sad I can’t be there, but will see him in a couple of weeks. I can’t believe my baby is having a baby😌! Seems like yesterday I was just holding him in my arms. So I’ll keep you all posted and will post plenty of pics! Chat soon…
Good morning, I’ve been missing the last couple of days due to a nasty summer cold. It had down and in the bed like usual. So I managed to get up this morning, still feeling a bit off, but I need to get some stuff done. As I got up to walk the pup, this wave of self doubt just came over me. Voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough, I failed, and things won’t get better. See I’m feeling really bad because I wasn’t able to make the trip with my son to see my grand born. It hurts me to my core, once again he needs me and I can’t be there. So I did a little fasting this week, praying that things would turn around but it didn’t. I wasn’t able to make the trip, and no amount of praying got me there either. Now I’m not upset that my prayers weren’t answered. I’m more upset with myself, because I didn’t didn’t have things in place financially to go out there. It’s all my fault and nobody eles’s. My son shouldn’t have to share his special day alone. Since I can’t be there, I hope he doesn’t hold that against me. I’m going to try and throw myself into work, so I can get it off my mind. Just really low today, just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. This is the worst feeling….oh well I guess this too shall pass! Chat soon
May my son be strong and courageous and not fear or be in dread, for it is You, Lord, our God, who goes with him. You will never leave him or forsake him. Deuteronomy 31:6
Woke up this morning with my tall son leaning in over me to see if I’m sleep, I laughed because he’s to grown to be acting like a 3-year-old. So as I get up, he looks worried and anxious. He has something to tell me again, so I listened to what he had to say, but I’m lost for words. You all know by now that the baby is coming, and so is that dreaded court date. My son is running around trying to figure things out, and I can’t help him. I can’t help him, because I feel numb. All I can do is listen and try to feel his pain, but I’m numb. See I feel in my heart that things will work out, but that’s not what my depressed brain is saying. In my brain, while in this chronic state, all I can see is things not working out, because of this curse that’s looming over me. Who knew parenting would be this hard? Who knew I would have to still be a parent in my depressed state? It’s almost too much for me, the feeling like I somehow have failed him, because I can’t feel. How can I tell him things will be ok, when I’m taking tons of meds because I really don’t believe that. I carry around my baggage and his, the weight of everything he is going through is on my shoulders today. As I sit at this computer crying my pretty little eyes out, I put my hands together and look above, because only HE can bring us through this…only HE! Chat soon…..
Lord, be with my son in trouble; rescue him and honor him (Psalm 91:5).
As if I didn’t need to be reminded that I’m nuts, I had another assessment appointment today. After waiting for 20 minutes because she forgot about me, we then proceeded down this long freezing hallway to her office. She was really nice and seemed very interested in helping me. So we went over a few things about my different triggers and what I could get out of therapy. As she was looking over my file, apparently I have a long one. She looked at me with a little smile and said, “you’ve been in the system a long time missy.” Been in the system??? Yes, I have had my share of hospital stays, and group sessions as child all the way up until I was a teenager. I was really baffled because I didn’t remember any of this, and my family never discussed it. I mean how can you hide that from a child? I started feeling really sad, because I should have gotten the help I needed so long ago. My mom never even mentioned to me, apparently my sister did some time in the hospital as well. Oh and found out that an aunt of mines committed suicide when I was a little girl. *blank stare* My whole family is a little NUTS!!! Can you believe we never discussed this shit in our family??? I mean I could have been damn near cured by now, but noooo we had to keep all this shit a secret. This is so crazy to me, what’s the big deal? Why can’t we discuss this? I mean I was raped for heaven sakes, and nobody wanted to get me help. Funny how my family look at me like I’m crazy or faking it, but they knew the whole damn time that I was going a little insane. My mom knew I had a damn problem, and she failed to help me. What’s the big deal? Why can’t we talk about our problems. It should have never come to this, I’m really bothered by this. What a way to find out I’ve been nuts for a really long time, now that explains a lot. Oh well I hope these therapy sessions help, she said they will be very intense and was I up for the challenge? Hell yeah!!! I can’t spend the rest of my life-like this….Chat soon!!
Good Saturday all, today I’m absolutely doing nothing all day! Last Saturday I finally had my sons baby shower and it came out beautifully. All of my friends and family came out to support them both. The momma flew down last Thursday and loved her baby shower. The kids got plenty of gifts, I can’t wait to see his sweet little face in a little onesie😍! I didn’t know how I was going to pull it off after my stay in the hospital, but thank God for my friend Josh (my Ivory) He was so helpful and I didn’t stress about one thing, the food, decorations, nothing!!!! I couldn’t ask for a better person to be in my life! So there you have it, I’m resting all day! Movies, food, and my phone😂Really feels good for my brain to be normal for once, no bad scary thoughts. I really like my new meds! Well I’m off to get back in my pjs, after this great brunch! Have a great Saturday😊Chat soon….
My little family😍😍😍😍
Sooooo, today I had my first intake appointment at the mental health center today. I have to admit I wasn’t feeling my best today. Still have some negative thoughts that wanted to stick around this morning. Well I go to my appointment, walked in feeling a little ashamed at first. Here I am promoting NO STIGMA, but I kind of put it on myself today. I was dressed up, fab bag on my arm, and shoes. Walking into the building feeling like everybody was staring at me, whispering “what is she doing here”? I mean I look sane, there was a guy there who was off his rocker who sat literally under me and I was scared. I had become all the people I have been mad with since being diagnosed. I was judgemental, and turned my nose up at this guy. He was there to get help just like me. It didn’t matter what I had on, or what bag I was carrying. Me and this dude are in the same damn boat so get over it!!! I felt ashamed and stupid. Well I was called back to a room that smelled, the guy was old and funky like. Then, I realized I needed help and that was his job to help me. Things got started, hundreds of questions asked and many painful statements. He ask things I had try to forget, funny though he went through his file and realized that I had actually been in the system for sometime. Each time I apparently was let go and no one followed up with me. Sad!!!! He made me drum up the memories of me being raped……he then proceeded to make me remember what my life was like as a kid. Now, I seriously didn’t want to go that far today, but oh well. So I went way back, wayyyyyyyyy back. He made me talk about my rape, who did it, and how I felt now. I just wasn’t ready for this, oh well glad I did stay and will go back. That part of my life came out, and I hope I can heal from this real soon. Chat soon…..
Hello everyone, yes I know it’s been a little while. (More on that in next post) I’ve been doing great since my last post a week or so ago. Controlling my thoughts with the help of my new meds and only responding to things I can control. I haven’t felt much like writing, but today I just had to share this beautiful pic of me and my niece at her school. Today I was ask to speak about my Clinical Depression and how it affects me. I was more than happy to share my story and share it with a bunch of high schoolers. We all know that suicide is the 2nd leading cause of deaths of our youth. I was more than please that they actually paid attention, with their hands raised to ask questions. This was the best I felt about myself in a long time and I can’t thank my niece enough for asking me to speak. Despite how I felt a week ago, I now know life might me worth living again….chat soon!
BlackGirlDown “We Don’t
Look Like We Hurt”!