Sooooo, today I had my first intake appointment at the mental health center today. I have to admit I wasn’t feeling my best today. Still have some negative thoughts that wanted to stick around this morning. Well I go to my appointment, walked in feeling a little ashamed at first. Here I am promoting NO STIGMA, but I kind of put it on myself today. I was dressed up, fab bag on my arm, and shoes. Walking into the building feeling like everybody was staring at me, whispering “what is she doing here”? I mean I look sane, there was a guy there who was off his rocker who sat literally under me and I was scared. I had become all the people I have been mad with since being diagnosed. I was judgemental, and turned my nose up at this guy. He was there to get help just like me. It didn’t matter what I had on, or what bag I was carrying. Me and this dude are in the same damn boat so get over it!!! I felt ashamed and stupid. Well I was called back to a room that smelled, the guy was old and funky like. Then, I realized I needed help and that was his job to help me. Things got started, hundreds of questions asked and many painful statements. He ask things I had try to forget, funny though he went through his file and realized that I had actually been in the system for sometime. Each time I apparently was let go and no one followed up with me. Sad!!!! He made me drum up the memories of me being raped……he then proceeded to make me remember what my life was like as a kid. Now, I seriously didn’t want to go that far today, but oh well. So I went way back, wayyyyyyyyy back. He made me talk about my rape, who did it, and how I felt now. I just wasn’t ready for this, oh well glad I did stay and will go back. That part of my life came out, and I hope I can heal from this real soon. Chat soon…..
Hello everyone, yes I know it’s been a little while. (More on that in next post) I’ve been doing great since my last post a week or so ago. Controlling my thoughts with the help of my new meds and only responding to things I can control. I haven’t felt much like writing, but today I just had to share this beautiful pic of me and my niece at her school. Today I was ask to speak about my Clinical Depression and how it affects me. I was more than happy to share my story and share it with a bunch of high schoolers. We all know that suicide is the 2nd leading cause of deaths of our youth. I was more than please that they actually paid attention, with their hands raised to ask questions. This was the best I felt about myself in a long time and I can’t thank my niece enough for asking me to speak. Despite how I felt a week ago, I now know life might me worth living again….chat soon!
BlackGirlDown “We Don’t
Look Like We Hurt”!
It’s about 2:45 a.m. and we are at a rest stop to get some sleep. Tuesday didn’t go so well with my son, he is now facing jail time after accepting a plea. I can’t tell you all the pain I felt, seeing my son, my baby boy, take a grown man deal. There was nothing I could do for him, nothing at all. As me and his baby’s mom sat there in tears, I felt like such a failure as a mom. I felt embarrassed, hurt, alone, and scared. His dad didn’t even try to make the damn trip, once again like always the burden was on me. Feeling like the scared 19 year old, when I first had him. I didn’t know what to do then or now. How did he get himself in this mess, some mess that will now forever ruin in his life??? My heart aches so bad, I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I feel like giving up. How much more can I take??? Since 2014, nothing but bad, sad news everyday and year. I just don’t understand what good can come out of this. Where is the positive in all this? Why do things continue to fall on my lap? Where did I go wrong in life? Why am I being punished so? I guess I don’t understand when or how life will get better for me. I’m tired, exhausted, frustrated, depressed and disappointed. Disappointed in myself, my life, and how I let things get out of hand. How can I go on? Everybody say I have to be strong for my son, but damn I’m tired! He like my dad, didn’t consider how this would affect me at all. Everybody walks around like, oh she will be ok! No, I’m not ok!!! I’m tired!! Tired of holding everybody problems in my hand. What I can’t understand is why God is allowing this? Why can’t I catch a break? It has to get better, but when??? Maybe the only peace and rest I’ll get is when I’m dead and gone. Chat soon….
Good morning, today is the I have been dreading court with my son. Although I’m a little worried, I don’t feel as bad as I usual would. My anxiety level is pretty low and I actually think things may work out! After seeing the 3D of the little baby (pic to come) my heart just melted. All I can think about is what a great dad he’s going to be, hoping and praying things go well for him. I’ve had so many things come up in my life, and at this point I don’t how much more I can handle. So keeping my mind positive and saying plenty of prayers. Chat soon…..
Ms. Fran 😊
Happy Easter bloggers, been a way for a little bit as we made the drive to Texas. We made it safely, my anxiety level was so damn high while driving at night. It’s a whole new world out here! Really beautiful and seems peaceful. I know I’m suppose to be relaxing, but can’t help but think of the real reason we are out here. Dreading the court case on Tuesday, he seems pretty happy to be back here. Maybe it’s because we get to see his new baby momma🙄! So since it’s Easter Sunday I’m going to remember why this day is important and truly try to enjoy myself. I’m going to take plenty of pics and maybe do some videos for my new YouTube Channel (more on that later)! Hope you all have a beautiful day today, I’m missing all the Easter 🐣 things I usually do with my family! I missed church, but will pray the Big Guy forgives me today!!! I lasted with my fast from Facebook, sweets, and some liquor. Pretty proud of myself after everything that has been going on, so off I go to get all dolled up!!! Chat soon…..
Ms. Fran (from El Paso)🤗
Ahhh I made it through another Monday….but then! Of course something has to happen or it wouldn’t be a Ms. Fran Monday. Well I wouldn’t say what happened was any cause for alarm and no it didn’t make me get to bent out of shape, but I almost killed 2 people. My Boys!!! So here we go, surprisingly Monday started off pretty good and I even woke up in a good mood. It is Spring Break for the kiddos and I’m supposed to be at work all day at the daycare. (8:30-6:30) Now, I have put in my notice to them that I wouldn’t work past June. This was a hard decision, but I really need to make some money to get out of this damn hole. Well I got to work today and they had someone in the classroom for me, they thought I was coming back as of today. They were happy to see me and ask was I changing my mind, sadly I said NO! Anywho, I stayed and worked with the other teacher until 2. So I got off early and decided to come home to relax, then I decided I would give my house a good clean. People who know me, know that I try to keep a clean house. I’m very OCD so I don’t have much build up of dirt, dust, or mold and mildew. I have always loved cleaning since I was a child, but lately my duties have gotten away from me. Well I started cleaning in my office then my hall bathroom where my new tenant is (my son). Lord to my surprise this damn boy hasn’t been cleaning my damn bathroom, I mean mold all over the damn shower curtain. I mean just straight nasty ass hell! Like I haven’t taught him a damn thing about cleaning. After cleaning my ass off, I then moved upstairs to our 3rd floor where my hubby mancave is, and to my damn surprise it looked like a tornado hit it. They literally just sit there and don’t clean anything. Then they have the nerve to say, “all you do is sleep”!! Of course because neither one of them are the cause of some of my damn depression. *Blank Stare* I can’t believe how they treat me??? I work my ass off everyday for everybody else, I’m taking care of them, dad, and trying to heal…but noooooo it’s not enough. I’m being pulled in all directions, trying to help myself get better and everybody just looks at me like I’m crazy. I’m sick, not lazy!!! For those who know me, know I do so much for both of them and have once one time before gone on strike. I think I have to teach their ass another lesson. I’m tired, I’m sick, it physically takes a lot out of me lately to even get out of bed. When I do get out of bed, I’m cooking these amazing dinners and breakfast feast. I’m constantly answering questions, writing emails, worrying, cleaning, crying, and being there for them. Nothing…..al I get us nothing! Well………. I took a pause from typing to walk the pup outside, as I broke down crying downstairs…guess who I saw outside. Lol that damn frog! I mean you have got to be freaking kidding me, he was there in the dark by the mailbox like I didn’t notice. I seriously can’t even type anymore, this shit is so baffling to me. I think I’m going completely nuts….ok I need a drink! Chat soon……..y’all know how I feel about them frogs!!!!
Ms. Fran(Ms. Underappreciated)