It’s about 2:45 a.m. and we are at a rest stop to get some sleep. Tuesday didn’t go so well with my son, he is now facing jail time after accepting a plea. I can’t tell you all the pain I felt, seeing my son, my baby boy, take a grown man deal. There was nothing I could do for him, nothing at all. As me and his baby’s mom sat there in tears, I felt like such a failure as a mom. I felt embarrassed, hurt, alone, and scared. His dad didn’t even try to make the damn trip, once again like always the burden was on me. Feeling like the scared 19 year old, when I first had him. I didn’t know what to do then or now. How did he get himself in this mess, some mess that will now forever ruin in his life??? My heart aches so bad, I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I feel like giving up. How much more can I take??? Since 2014, nothing but bad, sad news everyday and year. I just don’t understand what good can come out of this. Where is the positive in all this? Why do things continue to fall on my lap? Where did I go wrong in life? Why am I being punished so? I guess I don’t understand when or how life will get better for me. I’m tired, exhausted, frustrated, depressed and disappointed. Disappointed in myself, my life, and how I let things get out of hand. How can I go on? Everybody say I have to be strong for my son, but damn I’m tired! He like my dad, didn’t consider how this would affect me at all. Everybody walks around like, oh she will be ok! No, I’m not ok!!! I’m tired!! Tired of holding everybody problems in my hand. What I can’t understand is why God is allowing this? Why can’t I catch a break? It has to get better, but when??? Maybe the only peace and rest I’ll get is when I’m dead and gone. Chat soon….
Good morning, it’s Tuesday and I’m feeling a bit sad today. Yes, I know that’s usually on Monday’s but not this time. I survived Monday, but I think Monday was mad it didn’t get me down so it whispered to Tuesday to do the job. Woke up feeling pretty good after a good sleep, I have decided to stay up a little longer and tire myself out. This has worked the last couple of nights, small steps. Anyway, my friend (Ivory) faced timed me last night, and my other good friend texted this morning. I couldn’t be more happy to be blessed with great friends, but I’m so incredibly sad. Sad because I’m not the happy, fun, joking, cussing me anymore. I try my best to stay away from them, because I just feel like my sadness will rub off. It’s Spring and usually I’m getting ready for summer bbq’s and parties…but NOTHING! Nothing is being planned and I feel so hopeless about the summer period. I know my friends understand, but the guilt is killing me! I just keep telling them that I will be a better friend soon, but I don’t believe that at all. I’m so mad at this damn diease….why is this happening to me? One day I’m good, the next I’m not and I hate letting my friends see me this way. Another one of my good friends is getting married this month, and I’m so happy for her, but in the back of my mind I envy them all. I envy how happy they are, how things seemed to be working out for them, how life is treating them. Does this make me a bad friend???? I know they love me and wouldn’t dare think bad of me, I’m just so hard on my damn self. I’m supposed to be able to handle everything, but my brain tells me I’m not that tough anymore. It’s so disappointing and right now I don’t know if things will change, as I sit here crying my eyes out. Crying out for some relief from this feeling…I promise I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on anybody!! Chat soon….
Well I’m off to bed I always seem to be in bed by 5. I’m a little tired of that, but my mind is overwhelmed by then. I try to stay up and be productive, but I can’t. I draw the blinds close and put on pj’s, then in the bed I go! This has been a constant pattern for almost 2 years. Glad when my hubby is on the road because I feel so ashamed. Ashamed that I now find life to hard. I try to sleep early so the days can pass, hoping the next will be better. Believe me I absolutely hate this, but depression has taken over my life some how! So I’m going to take my meds go to sleep and dream BIG. I promise I’m doing the best I can. Many don’t see it that way, but I am. Have gd night!