Sooooo, today I had my first intake appointment at the mental health center today. I have to admit I wasn’t feeling my best today. Still have some negative thoughts that wanted to stick around this morning. Well I go to my appointment, walked in feeling a little ashamed at first. Here I am promoting NO STIGMA, but I kind of put it on myself today. I was dressed up, fab bag on my arm, and shoes. Walking into the building feeling like everybody was staring at me, whispering “what is she doing here”? I mean I look sane, there was a guy there who was off his rocker who sat literally under me and I was scared. I had become all the people I have been mad with since being diagnosed. I was judgemental, and turned my nose up at this guy. He was there to get help just like me. It didn’t matter what I had on, or what bag I was carrying. Me and this dude are in the same damn boat so get over it!!! I felt ashamed and stupid. Well I was called back to a room that smelled, the guy was old and funky like. Then, I realized I needed help and that was his job to help me. Things got started, hundreds of questions asked and many painful statements. He ask things I had try to forget, funny though he went through his file and realized that I had actually been in the system for sometime. Each time I apparently was let go and no one followed up with me. Sad!!!! He made me drum up the memories of me being raped……he then proceeded to make me remember what my life was like as a kid. Now, I seriously didn’t want to go that far today, but oh well. So I went way back, wayyyyyyyyy back. He made me talk about my rape, who did it, and how I felt now. I just wasn’t ready for this, oh well glad I did stay and will go back. That part of my life came out, and I hope I can heal from this real soon. Chat soon…..
Hello everyone, yes I know it’s been a little while. (More on that in next post) I’ve been doing great since my last post a week or so ago. Controlling my thoughts with the help of my new meds and only responding to things I can control. I haven’t felt much like writing, but today I just had to share this beautiful pic of me and my niece at her school. Today I was ask to speak about my Clinical Depression and how it affects me. I was more than happy to share my story and share it with a bunch of high schoolers. We all know that suicide is the 2nd leading cause of deaths of our youth. I was more than please that they actually paid attention, with their hands raised to ask questions. This was the best I felt about myself in a long time and I can’t thank my niece enough for asking me to speak. Despite how I felt a week ago, I now know life might me worth living again….chat soon!
BlackGirlDown “We Don’t
Look Like We Hurt”!
So this on FB today, and all I can think about is how so many people who have kicked me while I was down!!! They better pray!!!!!
Hello bloggers, it’s only Tuesday and I’m over the week already. No matter what I do, life just keeps throwing this curve ball my way. I could barely keep it together last night, had 2 attacks back to back felt like my life was coming to an end again. After getting up and moving around I managed to catch my breath and relaxed the rest of the night. I promise I have been trying, my mind just won’t let me be. Financially I got bad news today, husband decided to be an ass and my poor son looks worried. I have been trying to get myself back on track with my finances, but when you get a little behind it’s soooo hard. My husband decided today that, I’m not sick because I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. He told me he needs a break from watering the grass because he’s tired. Me *blank stare*😳 Tired are you fucking kidding me????? Try battling this brain day after day. I work 2 jobs, take care of dad, try to keep the house together, busy being a mom and a wife. He all but said, I do nothing and my sickness is an excuse. My feelings are completely hurt, he constantly kicks me when I’m down. Can he imagine what I go through on a daily basis??? Do he seriously think I like feeling exhausted, confused, lonely, aggravated? All I can think about is WHY things aren’t going right for me. Believe me I’m more disappointed in myself than he will ever be, but damn have some compassion! My son isn’t handling his situation to well, the closer it gets to sentencing day the more he worries. The baby is due then also, and I can’t do anything to help my son. I feel so helpless!!! Dear Life….let up a bit please. It’s Mental Health Awareness week, maybe I should have hubby reread my damn book. Hell “We Don’t Look Like We Hurt ” do you get it jackass?????? I’m at work can barely function, my body aches and I have no motivation at all. Trying to hide in my classroom so no one will see my red eyes. Again Dear Life…..please let up!!