Today I Made Myself Proud!

Well I did it, I got out of my dark tunnel and stepped out on faith. I was a bit nervous because this was a long time coming, but I did it. I set my mind up to do it and I did. This may seem a little silly to others, but not to me. I was in a dark tunnel for so long, I didn’t know what day looked like. My house was dark, my life was dark, and my mind was too. Now, I can see some progress in myself . Therapy and my medicines have been a big help, I’m able to focus  without worrying about the ‘what if’s’. Today I made myself proud, I’m just as happy as can be. Its been a long time coming, with my continued therapy and coping classes, I should be a new me soon. I’m in no rush, just want to enjoy what it feels like for once to be in the life of the living again…..chat soon.

Ms. Fran

 

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Wow what a Hell of a week😊💕🍷🎉

First of let me start off with cute pics of my grandson, yes I’m going to be that Gigi😂I had the pleasure of having him and my sons girlfriend spend the week with me. So if you notice I was missing this sweet lil guy is why! My son, girlfriend, and her mom was here and we had blast. All night partying, talking, laughing, and drinking 🙃I was in granny heaven with all the love surrounding me. Just think a couple of months ago I checked myself into the hospital because I wanted to end it all. Glad I came to my senses when I did and sought out help. My son seems really happy, the baby is absolutely beautiful, and their family has accepted all of us. So a whole week of  love from both sides of Kayden’s family. This was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Well then I got the bad news that my son would be moving back to Texas.😞 Yes, I’m so heartbroken because I kind of got use to him being around again. I enjoyed cooking for him and the talks we have. I know he isn’t my little boy anymore, and he showed me just how much of a man he was. He was up when baby got up, changed diapers,(even the poopy ones), fed him, and just really helped out a lot. I offered my time, but he was having none of that. Now this isn’t how I expected his life to turn out, but it did! I know he has taken the things I’ve taught him and applied them to his life. I’m very proud of him, and wish the best for his whole new little family. 

So then today happens, well kind of all week, but I was distracted with all the company. The bad, negative thoughts in my head. No, not the suicidal ones, just the self-doubt, guilt, and worthless ones. I know I missed a couple of days on my meds, because didn’t I want to mix with drinks. These thoughts just been pushing to get inside my head all week, and this morning they did. I woke up with no motivation, and self-doubt. Still trying to wrap my head around this damn disease. How long will I continue to feel this way? Does it get better? I mean it’s a damn pain in the ass to feel this way. After all that excitement, I found myself going to bed at 5pm on a Friday night. Only to sleep half the day today! I have missed two therapy appointments and she has been calling like crazy. She probably thinks I’ve given up on therapy. I’ll call and explain my busy schedule. Anywho, just wanted to share with you all. Everything has been perfect this week and I can’t wait to see my little man again.😍Hoping you all were surviving without my posts, lol! Well it’s time to get back to normal, whatever the hell that is??? Chat soon….

Ms. Fran

I’m On A Roll!!!

So I took some of my on advice today, and I must say I feel good. I was a little upset this morning, did a little crying, but I got my ass up and continued my day. I explained to my son that everything is in God’s hands, nothing else we can do. We have to continue praying and letting go. But I have to admit, today was very hard and I felt myself running back down my dark hole. So I decided to continue finishing up some projects and kept myself busy. I also have to admit that, I just don’t have all the answers for my son. I mean what do you do in this situation? I thought my days of worrying about him was over, I guess not! Oh well I’m just going to keep reading and throwing myself into work. Yes, my house cleaning business is starting to pick back up! Everyone is pretty happy that I’m back in the cleaning game, so it’s a busy rest of the week. Hope you all felt pretty optimistic today, remember we have to force ourselves to see the good even in a bad day. Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

I Got Shit Done Today!

Yay!!! I officially got some things checked off my list today, might not seem like much to others but I’m super happy. First off I have to be honest, the only reason why I had a little bit more motivation was because my hubby is home. See I think I remember writing that he has decided to drive local, meaning he is home every damn day. So instead of retreating to my bed for a nap, I have to pretend to look productive. Today instead of pretending I actually did work, got both off my new websites together, manage to answer a few emails, cut some weeds up outside, and cleaned some clutter. I feel really good about that, and I’m now pretty tired. Hopefully I can get some sleep from being tired, instead of worrying. I also manage not to go back on my fast, I really had the urge for a glass of wine, but nope! So Monday was really good for me, hoping things will improve day by day. So I will read a couple of scriptures before bed and declutter my mind. Hope this day was productive for you all as well. Chat soon……

Ms. Fran

Just One of Those Days!

Well it’s Thursday afternoon and I have had at least 2 good cries today, once this morning and at the docs. Woke up feeling really achy, just wanted to run back to bed. Yesterday was pretty good, and yeah mom’s birthday dinner was great. She really enjoyed herself and we had no interruptions. It was a really good day for her. So I manage to get out of bed to do a house today, but then I had a panic attack for no reason at all. Then the tears came out of nowhere, just couldn’t stop crying today. My body is in so much pain, I couldn’t even lift my vacuum. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, but I’m tired of that. Talking with the therapist today made me feel a little better. She is trying to come up with the best treatment for me. I explain to her how hard it is to live in this body, I wish it was like a cold that just goes away in a week. I’m just exhausted from doing nothing, which also exhaust me. I’m tired of feeling like this. Tired of having so much ambitious in my brain, but body is stuck in turtle mode. I wake up in the morning, dragging myself out of bed, forcing myself to do something. I’m just trying to survive now. I’m tired of thinking the next day will be different, but going to bed knowing nothing changed. It’s like being on a roller coaster that gets stuck mid-air. I’m beginning to feel numb again, like why should I get up? Get up to struggle through day again and again. I’m just so tired of being tired. Tired of fighting, tired of not answering my phone, tired of isolating myself. Yet, I don’t want to do anything and I barely want to see anybody. As the time ticks down for the baby and the court case, I find myself rocking uncontrollably and biting my nails and lips. It’s been one of those days and you would think I should be use to it by now. Oh well all I can do is hope tomorrow will be better. Chat soon…..

Ms. Fran