It’s the afternoon and the kiddies are sleep, and of course now is the time my mind wonders all over the place. Been reading plenty of motivational books, listening to podcasts and reading tons of scriptures. At what what point can I yell and say, “NOTHING IS WORKING”! I keep thinking God hasn’t brought me this far to fail, but I seriously don’t know. I wake up everyday very enthusiastically, going to bed disappointed and mad. The more I pray, the less it gets through. I’m feeling pretty numb today, because I have decided to not let myself feel. I don’t feel happy or sad. I’m just here! Here taking on the duties of everyone else. Wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, housekeeper, puppy mom and so on! I’m just numb from head to toe. I should be so excited about my grand baby, but I can’t be. Feeling like it will all blow up in my face, I’m planning the baby shower with no enthusiasm at all. This sweet baby didn’t or shouldn’t have to come into this world with a Gigi (can’t say the other word) lol, that is in such bad shape. I certainly don’t want another generation of a child experiencing my life and this family. He just doesn’t deserve it. I just can’t help but wonder what is my purpose here? It shouldn’t be this hard, I mean I have more resources than some people. I know people who have gone through way more than me and bounce back. I know I haven’t come this far to fail, but what gives?
Well what a difference a day makes, of course you all have read me saying that before. But it’s so true, yesterday was such a great day. My friends wedding day, a chance to get all dressed up and celebrate her. That’s exactly what I did, and my crazy brain stay away. She looked absolutely gorgeous and the groom wore a kilt (he’s Scottish)! When I tell you I was so obsessed with the kilts and tried to find out what was underneath 😂😂😂😂The wedding was just amazing and I had a lovely time. Came home a tad bit early, because I’m still exhausted from the Texas trip and wanted to just get in my bed. Slept pretty well all the way through church this morning, the pup didn’t even get me up! Smh! So my son and I got up and decided we would do some baby registries! Omg what fun I had with him pointing that little gun at all the baby things. They have so many new things out, I was overwhelmed by just love!!! I can’t wait to hold that little munchkin in my arms. But then reality sinks in, and we have to prepare ourselves for the day of sentencing. Will they send my son to jail? I can see how much it’s starting to weigh on him, he’s asking questions and I can’t help him. I can’t help my son out of this, I absolutely don’t know what the hell to do. Once again I’m just stuck, and it’s sad to say that the shots of liquor are becoming more frequent. If it isn’t food, it’s the drinking. One shot turns into the bottle, then I’m feeling sick and guilty the next day. One day I’m up, the next I’m down! I’m biting my nails and lips more often, my body feels like a truck hit me. I promise I’m trying to venture into new things, but it only holds my attention for seconds! Lord I’m just falling apart, again how much more can I take? Everybody keeps telling me it’s going to be ok? I wish I could believe that! Chat soon….
It’s been one of those days, today I feel nothing just numb! I don’t know if I’m happy or sad!!! I’m finally home, tired ass hell but can’t get it together. Went to clean this morning, no daycare at all. I don’t even know if I want to go back at there. Just so in between about life right now. Feel like I should continue doing all the new things I have planned, but scared to start anything out of fear. Out of the fear that, something else will fall on my plate and shatter my hopes. So today I’m just numb, lost, confused and undecided. I guess I’m all over the place in my mind, chat soon… Ms. Fran
Good morning from Texas, it’s Monday and most of you know by now that I dread it! Today I will try and enjoy the rest of the time here. Monday’s are so cruel to me, praying all goes well! Slept ok with the help ofmeds, so I’m going to shower and put on clothes. We are doing the 3D ultrasound today, pretty excited about that. Can’t wait to see what the new little guy looks like! Well off I go, have a bless week! Chat soon…
Ahhh I made it through another Monday….but then! Of course something has to happen or it wouldn’t be a Ms. Fran Monday. Well I wouldn’t say what happened was any cause for alarm and no it didn’t make me get to bent out of shape, but I almost killed 2 people. My Boys!!! So here we go, surprisingly Monday started off pretty good and I even woke up in a good mood. It is Spring Break for the kiddos and I’m supposed to be at work all day at the daycare. (8:30-6:30) Now, I have put in my notice to them that I wouldn’t work past June. This was a hard decision, but I really need to make some money to get out of this damn hole. Well I got to work today and they had someone in the classroom for me, they thought I was coming back as of today. They were happy to see me and ask was I changing my mind, sadly I said NO! Anywho, I stayed and worked with the other teacher until 2. So I got off early and decided to come home to relax, then I decided I would give my house a good clean. People who know me, know that I try to keep a clean house. I’m very OCD so I don’t have much build up of dirt, dust, or mold and mildew. I have always loved cleaning since I was a child, but lately my duties have gotten away from me. Well I started cleaning in my office then my hall bathroom where my new tenant is (my son). Lord to my surprise this damn boy hasn’t been cleaning my damn bathroom, I mean mold all over the damn shower curtain. I mean just straight nasty ass hell! Like I haven’t taught him a damn thing about cleaning. After cleaning my ass off, I then moved upstairs to our 3rd floor where my hubby mancave is, and to my damn surprise it looked like a tornado hit it. They literally just sit there and don’t clean anything. Then they have the nerve to say, “all you do is sleep”!! Of course because neither one of them are the cause of some of my damn depression. *Blank Stare* I can’t believe how they treat me??? I work my ass off everyday for everybody else, I’m taking care of them, dad, and trying to heal…but noooooo it’s not enough. I’m being pulled in all directions, trying to help myself get better and everybody just looks at me like I’m crazy. I’m sick, not lazy!!! For those who know me, know I do so much for both of them and have once one time before gone on strike. I think I have to teach their ass another lesson. I’m tired, I’m sick, it physically takes a lot out of me lately to even get out of bed. When I do get out of bed, I’m cooking these amazing dinners and breakfast feast. I’m constantly answering questions, writing emails, worrying, cleaning, crying, and being there for them. Nothing…..al I get us nothing! Well………. I took a pause from typing to walk the pup outside, as I broke down crying downstairs…guess who I saw outside. Lol that damn frog! I mean you have got to be freaking kidding me, he was there in the dark by the mailbox like I didn’t notice. I seriously can’t even type anymore, this shit is so baffling to me. I think I’m going completely nuts….ok I need a drink! Chat soon……..y’all know how I feel about them frogs!!!!
Good evening all, it’s Sunday and I finally made it around here to my office to get on the computer. I know I have been missing lately, just haven’t had much energy this week. The pup was still sick on Friday so I missed work, then had a horrible time sitting to get my lashes done. Came home Friday night and just wanted to lay down and never get up, some people are so stupid now days. Was feeling sick myself but had to sleep, because I had a lunch date with my friend who is getting married in a couple of weeks. So I got all dressed up and we headed to Charlotte for her last dress fitting, then off to lunch at the CheeseCake Factory. I had a wonderful time, so glad I got out the house for a bit on yesterday. She look so beautiful, couldn’t help but cry. Got home and crashed, my body just can’t seem to handle anything at all. I’m so tired of being tired all the damn time, so today I decided to skip church (feeling guilty about that) and got some work done outside. I haven’t had anytime to get out there, ok I’m lying I have the time just to damn tired to go out there. The yard is starting to look like I feel, and that’s just not like me not to have the yard all pretty. I just got so much on mind, the last thing I want to do is think of happy things and then have life come crashing down around me like usual. So I did manage to buy a couple of flowers for the front and put out some lawn furniture on the front porch. I cooked a big dinner, a little something different today: cabbage and sausage, jambalaya, and sweet corn spoon bread. Yes it all sounds delicious and looks that way as well, can’t wait to sit down for dinner. Well while I was outside one of my neighbors decided to come and speak to me, I use to consider her my friend but she is a little shady, sort of like a family member I know. What I don’t have time for is fake ass people at this damn age, anyway she proceeded to say things like “stop being so depressed, you have a lot to be thankful for”. “You shouldn’t be depressed because, you have your family around you”. “Cheer up and be thankful”, well you know this pissed me off to the fullest, because please believe I’m thankful for everything I have. I can be thankful and depressed at the same damn time. Piss me off, being depressed doesn’t work like that dammit! I’m more than thankful and thank God everyday, but my mind doesn’t work the same anymore. How dare you think I’m only depressed for one reason and all of a sudden I will be able to snap out of it. Shout out to those who are healing, but I’m not there yet. Shit not for the lack of trying, it’s just a slow process and I’m going to heal on my own damn time. Yes I’m thankful for my boys around me, but I don’t see life-like I use too. I can’t believe people are still so stupid about mental illness, damn you wouldn’t tell somebody with cancer to “cheer up because you have family around”. Hell you would be breaking out the prayer books and bringing food. I don’t like how I feel, you think I like sleeping all day, having mood swings, lack of appetite, and sometimes drinking myself silly to cover the pain. It takes everything out of me to hold down my damn job, and for that I’m proud of myself. I know things will eventually get better, but in my brain right now I just can’t dig myself out this tunnel. I don’t see the light like some of y’all do. That doesn’t mean I’m not thankful dammit. Shit I’m mad because I know life can be better than this, I just haven’t gotten that far yet. I will get there in my own time, and I promise there will be a lot of people who wish they had stuck around to help me out. If you thought I was a *BITCH* before, watch me when I’m healed. With that being said, I’m about to enjoy the rest of my day in the bed watching movies. Hope you all have a bless week!