Instead of 4 in the morning, it’s 3! Been up for hours now crying my eyes out. Is this a joke, could God just be teasing me? Things were going so good for me, then all of sudden. Sadness, despair, hopeless, and guilt starts to come around again. Do these feeling ever go away? I’m constantly following and reading self help books, scriptures, but nothing. One minute I’m on cloud 9, thinking to myself, “I can finally get past this”. I don’t care much how you pray, believe, or worship. God has His own timing and all you can do is wait. I guess I don’t blame Him this time, because I feel like a fool for thinking I was headed on a road to recovery. I’m back crying, having sleepless nights, and not eating like I should. I have abandoned all my projects I started, because I figure what’s the fucking use?!!! I’m back to the same failure of a person I see in the mirror everyday and basically with the way things are going, it shows too. I’m not going to lie that suicide hasn’t back into my mind. I mean what’s the use? God is waking me everyday just to get by. I’m just a mere existence, and for what? I feel like I’m losing it all over again, trying to hang in there for my son. In a couple of weeks we will learn his fate, and the way my life is going I believe God will take him away from me. That will be my undoing, I couldn’t live with myself if something happens to my son. Mannnn…I’ve seen so many bad days. I just decided this is another year, that’s not my year….I GIVE UP.