Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Aww Saturday 😊

Saturday where have you been? Wow I had a long but productive week. I saw my therapist this week, had a great meeting with my mentoring group, and got lots of projects done. Today couldn’t have come fast enough, my body is completely worn out. All I want is to sleep in and watch TV all day long, but unfortunately that has to wait. I have a fashion that I’m in and I have also been ask to moderate the show as well. Yes….I get to look fabulous in front of other fabulous ladies for a good cause. Our theme for the show is Body Image, teaches all the women and girls that we as women and girls have different body types. I really thought this was an awesome topic, since for so many years I had the feeling of shame because of my looks. Depression takes so much from you, but slowly I’ve been feeling really confident. So dress shopping today with my hubby 😳😫he absolutely hates going but oh well!😂!!! Have a great weekend, chat soon….

Ms. Fran

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Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

So I Made it Back!!!

Happy Sunday all, I made it back safely from my Texas trip. We had to come in early, because of the storm we thought was going to hit South Carolina. I was devastated, but better safe than sorry. Even though we dodge a bullet, we are still not out of the woods just yet. Sending nothing but prayers and positive vibes to everyone in Florida. So as you may want to know, how did the court case come out for my son? Well I’m excited to say the judge and the prosecutor were more than sympathetic to my him. After reviewing the case and reading all about my sons history, school, family life, jobs, and being a dad, they decided that jail isn’t an option. THANK GOD! Well they will look over some more paperwork and reset another hearing for Oct. 4th, I feel really good that they will convict him, but won’t put him in jail. Now, as a black  young man being a convicted felon, will cause all kinds of trouble for him. On the bright side I don’t have to see him go off to jail, and besides he made his bed, now he has to suffer some consequence. He was really nervous, as was I, my mom and his girlfriend. We just didn’t know what to expect, but his lawyer was damn good and very convincing. I walked out of there, thinking God has not left my side. *sigh* I have had so many bad things happened these past years, I just went in thinking this is out of my control. So my mind was at peace, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the trip.

Now, let’s talk about all the damn cuteness that I was surrounded with! My grandson and his sister are just as adorable as ever. I held him most of the time when I wasn’t fighting my mom for him, lol! He is doing all a lot of smiling and cooing, my heart just melted at the sight of him. I got to feed him, change him, and kiss him to death. He actually slept in the room with us all night, we wanted to give my son them a little break. Kayden was a perfect little angel, he slept all night after we put a little oatmeal in his milk. My mom is really old school and thinks he wasn’t fat enough for her, lol!! My son’s girlfriend insisted we stay with them, and we obliged. I cooked my special company lasagna, and we drank the night away. I had so much fun, just talking, laughing and enjoying the sun sitting on the porch. My son looked so happy, and I all I could do was go in the bathroom and cry. Crying not because I was sad, but happy about something for once. Life was really good in Texas, I needed that vacation and glad I was able to go. We had safe travels and made it back before the storm. Well here are some pics of my little man, on GrandParents Day today, I feel so blessed to have this title. He has really stolen my heart and I can’t wait to spend more time with him and watch him grow!!! Have a great rest of the Sunday!! 

Ms. Fran


Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

And That’s Not a Bad Thing!

Greetings bloggers, since I have decided to steer my energy away from my depressed self. I have a really had a good couple of days, I met with my therapist and I go back again today. So this week is shaping up to be pretty good. With that being said, since I have been focusing lately, I have decided that there is still so much to learn. I’m still learning about myself, family, and my spiritual life. Yesterday, I did a little revamping to my social media. I’ve decided I will know longer post my blog, online store, or quotes on my personal FB page. On that page I learned that most of the people on that page are lookers, but not supporters. I have had tons of people who order from my online stores, but would never actually praise me on their page. Behind the scenes they are totally happy, or at least that’s what they say. So I have decided to just leave those people on that page, in order for me to grow my tribe, I need to be around like-minded people. People that support not just by buying something, but with encouraging words. I’m also learning that, if they don’t constantly praise me that’s ok. I’m my own cheerleader and I don’t have to wait around for people to appreciate me. I’m learning that it feels so much better to look ahead than backwards. I spend so much time criticizing myself for I what I didn’t do, then praising the new things I have accomplished. So yes I’m still learning and that’s ok! I’m learning that when God said ‘No’, that doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. I’m also learning that it’s a lot easier to waste time than it is to find time. I spent all that time sleeping or staring at the TV getting nothing done, this week I decided to forgo the naps and invest some time in me. I’m learning that at the age 40 my best years are still to come. I always think I’m getting to old to start over. I’m learning that people nomatter what will always have shit to say, hell I could be on the Forbes list and they would complain. I’m learning that there is more to me than just my depressed self. I’m learning that I need God more and more each day. Even with the little stuff, like just asking for strength to get through the day. I’m learning that you’re opinion of me doesn’t fucking matter, hell I like me and that’s all that counts. LOL Well you all get the picture, I’m still learning and that’s ok!!! Chat soon…. follow my new FB page!

www.facebook.com/olivia.shepherd.blackgirldown.me

Ms. Fran

 

 

Ms. Fran 

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

And It Continues😔

Instead of 4 in the morning, it’s 3! Been up for hours now crying my eyes out. Is this a joke, could God just be teasing me? Things were going so good for me, then all of sudden. Sadness, despair, hopeless, and guilt starts to come around again. Do these feeling ever go away? I’m constantly following and reading self help books, scriptures, but nothing. One minute I’m on cloud 9, thinking to myself, “I can finally get past this”. I don’t care much how you pray, believe, or worship. God has His own timing and all you can do is wait. I guess I don’t blame Him this time, because I feel like a fool for thinking I was headed on a road to recovery. I’m back crying, having sleepless nights, and not eating like I should. I have abandoned all my projects I started, because I figure what’s the fucking use?!!! I’m back to the same failure of a person I see in the mirror everyday and basically with the way things are going, it shows too. I’m not going to lie that suicide hasn’t back into my mind. I mean what’s the use? God is waking me everyday just to get by. I’m just a mere existence, and for what? I feel like I’m losing it all over again, trying to hang in there for my son. In a couple of weeks we will learn his fate, and the way my life is going I believe God will take him away from me. That will be my undoing, I couldn’t live with myself if something happens to my son. Mannnn…I’ve seen so many bad days. I just decided this is another year, that’s not my year….I GIVE UP.

Ms. Fran😔

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Yes I Do!

Well I might as well come right on out and tell ya, I have been slipping back into my little dark tunnel. This last couple of weeks have been exhausting from once again trying to wear that mask. That “I’m Ok” mask, but I’m not feeling well and it’s bumming me out. All I have done these last couple of days is lay back in the bed, I get up every morning and don’t make my bed anymore. The one thing I was so proud about was I got to make my bed up in the morning, this was to keep me from getting back in. Lately I just make it up enough, and back in I go. Life has been ok, and I have been handling this really well, but something has me going down that hole again. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, because my son needs me to be strong for him. My hubby apparently thinks I’m all cured, since I have been hiding from him again. I kind of feel on the edge a bit, the constant stress is tiresome. My motivation is diminishing, I feel like I’m not succeeding as I want to. I haven’t seen my therapist in a week or so, she called yesterday and I sent her straight to voicemail. I’m feeling like I just want to sleep forever, or until this episode of my life is over. I have been so many new things ging on, but I’m not enjoying anything. It takes me forever now to get back out of the bed to work on my projects. I’m happy to be getting out the house with work, but my body is in so much pain, I find myself resting every other minute. This then slows me down, a house that takes an hour turns into 2! I’m not getting much sleep at night, because my brain won’t shut off. Lord knows I don’t want to go back to the old me again, but I don’t really think that me was gone yet anyways. Oh well this was my confession to you all, I’m constantly trying to encourage everyone, but not listening to my own advice…go figure!!! Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Not Much Sex….while in a Depressive State!

Well lately you all have read me going on about my new ebook coming soon, Sex and Depression. This topic hits home for me, and I wanted to see if others out there in the universe can relate. We so often talk about how depression makes us feel mentally, but what about physically? What does it mean for him/her to be in the mood but you’re not.! Sex is very important in every relationship, but what do you do when the only energy you had was wasted on trying to get out of bed that morning. You don’t feel like showering, much less being kissed on. No foreplay, because that just adds extra time to what will seem like eternity…in reality it only last about 5 minutes, LOL! I’m laughing to keep my spirits up, but this makes me feel like a bad wife sometimes. I have always been very sexual, but lately the thought of it makes me good and tired. Don’t know if I’m alone here, but it needs to be discussed. As you already know, sexual desires originate in the human brain. The sexual organs would depend on the chemicals that are being produced within the human brain. In fact, these chemicals are responsible for producing libido, and introducing changes to the blood flow, which are need for sexual activities. When a person is affected with depression, these brain chemicals would be disrupted. I’m no sex doctor, but started doing research on this topic to get advice for myself. I learned a lot and plan on sharing this with you in the new ebook, coming soon!!

Ms. Fran (No Sex Doctor)

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Father’s Day Memories!

Happy Father’s Day to all my WordPress followers who are dads, hope your day is full of love. This day makes me a little sad, because my dad isn’t the same dad as 3 years ago. He is now stuck in a stroke body, using a walker, can barely get around. See I don’t have memories like you all did from childhood, my childhood was stained. I do however have memories after we reconnected when I was 19 and about to give birth to my son. For years we didn’t even know if he was in town, let alone alive. He was a really weird guy who didn’t want responsibility, he was able to be a free spirit while mom supported us the best she could. For years I always imagine what it would be like to run to my dad when things got bad. For years I use to wait for the mail, in hopes that he would write. None of those things came true, but I managed to live my life without a father figure. I use to always think of all the things I would say to him when the time came, would I yell, cry, or freeze up. To be honest, I did nothing. I acted like the 12-year-old girl back in grade school. I was happy to see him, a wave of emotions running through my body. And ever since me and him have been cool buddies. Then the stroke happened….caught us all by surprise. Well you all know that story, roles are reverse and I’m now taking care of him. So today we will continue to make new memories…..again have a wonderful father’s day dads out there. Cherish all your memories…chat soon!!!

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

So I ran away…..and got help!!!

So where did I last leave off?? Oh yeah….I was upset at the hubby and life so I decided to run away. I got in my car that night with nothing but bad thoughts on my mind, I wanted to run away but had no place to go. Didn’t want to bother my friends, family usually doesn’t want to hear about us arguing, so I was stuck. My mind was racing, heart beating fast, head pounding from all the crazy thoughts running around in it. I wanted to die, end it all and never come back. This I thought would teach them a damn lesson, so I decided to go get a couple of cans of beer and sit in the park. Crying, drinking, thinking, and still not sure what I want to do. All I know is I was fed up and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. The cans of beer didn’t do much but make me angrier, so there I sit in the park. What now???? I can’t live here, no clothes or a place to sleep. Then it hit me, I decided I didn’t want to die in a park to be found by school kids, too devastating. So I drove all the way across town in a bad neighbor to where my granny is buried. I figured if they find me at least I was already at the cemetery, lol! Hell just dig some dirt up and dump me in, no need for all the money being spent on a funeral. I’m here, I get out and walk around, crying so hard my eyes were starting to swell. I lay down on her grave and beg her to give me some sort of sign that I was doing the right thing. Committing suicide is something I don’t believe she would agree with, so I don’t know what I was expecting. My phone is ringing off the hook, everyone is texting and hubby is sleep, could care less what was happening to me. So I sit and think, think about my life and why it had to come to this? I blame my parents, family, doctors, husband, hell everybody… Why does life have to be so damn hard? My head can’t take all this fucking thinking, so it’s time to end it all, and just as I walk to my car….my body shifts. I no longer was crying, a little drunk but not crying. Then it hit me????? Go get help!! So I sat there! I ask granny was this her sign? Then I continue to sit there just to be sure. So I crank up the car and head in the direction to the hospital, now forgive me because I was a little drunk so don’t know how I made it. I’m sure my angel granny was riding shotgun on the side of me. I pull into the emergency and park my car, tell the guard I need to be seen. Now, I didn’t have much hope for this but wanted to see what they would do for me. So I drag my sad, hopeless, unworthy butt in the door. It was dark and not many people waiting, it was about 2 in the morning. I walk up to the counter and said, “please help me, I’m thinking of killing myself please don’t let me leave here“! There I said it…..whooo! I just took off 70lbs. of baggage.

I’m all checked in, now what??

They escort me in a wheelchair to the 5th floor of the hospital, they take all my personal belongings and hand me a gown. I’m scared, lonely, don’t know what’s going to happened. The security guard is at my door, it’s dark, and cold. What have I done? Now the guilt sets in! I’m worrying about everyone else, my son, dad, niece, mom and work. I just wanted to say NO this is not what I want!!! My body couldn’t move, I was frozen with fear or could it have been that damn opening in the back of the gown, lol! I fall asleep after they take blood and they give me something to calm me down. I am then pushed around the corner to be seen again, they off to a room. No TV, small bed, no favorite blanket, or my dog. I was now checked into the mental hospital and no one knows where I am. Sleep creeps up on me, so I just relax. The morning comes and they come in….I’m confused can’t remember where I am and if I could leave. I look a mess, my eyelashes are a mess. My head hurts, and I can’t think straight. The nurses all come in and explained to me what was going on, and what I was to expect. I really done it! I checked myself into a mental facility. This was my first time, and lord was I scared. After contacting my family and job, I decided to suck it up. You are here to get help missy!!!! So I settle in and decide to partake in what was going on. I had my room, no shoes, no cell, just me and the others walking around looking nervous. The nurses were very kind, the staff was courteous and they made me feel safe. I was to attend about 8 groups a day, do a journal, take all meds and interact with other patients. I couldn’t believe that so many young people who were in there, so many black men and elderly people. I was starting to feel sad for me and them. My classes and therapy  were great! My new meds were kicking in and I was starting to feel right at home. We had visiting hours and the family came to see me. My hubby had to for the first time since I’ve been sick, come and actually see me in this hospital. He had to finally recognize that I’m sick dammit, and this mental illness thing is real. I hate that my son had to finally be told what I was going through, didn’t want him to think it had anything to do with him being in trouble. They were mad at me for some reason, then I started feeling guilty for wanting to get help. After about 2 days, I know longer thought about the outside world and decided I needed to be here for me. After 5 days of therapy and much rest I was ready to leave. Funny thing is I didn’t want to be back out in the world, I felt safe and secure back there. No phones, no people, no news, just me and all my new friends who didn’t judge me. It was a judge free zone, and I loved it. Now, I’m not going to say that I’m healed, but I have now been heard. Somebody heard me and listened to me. I am on some really great meds twice a day, and will have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I’m so happy that my brain is under a little control. Running away to the hospital was the best thing I have done in a long time and I’m not ashamed. I got help, the help I so badly needed. I encourage anyone who is at that breaking point to go seek help, now it may not work for everyone but please try. Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

 

 

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Just Making Through the Day!

Good evening good people, finally took some time to sit down at my desk to check emails and stuff. Physically my body is just so tired, I’m dragging through out the day and can barely keep my eyes open. Emotionally I’m no good either, just on this roller coaster ride of emotions. It’s finally Thursday and the week has been draining as usual, can’t keep my mind focus on work or life. My feet, back, head, shoulders and brain hurts. I’m just the walking dead, with no life left in me. I feel like my body is physically here, but mind is some where across the globe. It’s like I’m looking down on my life, like some out-of-body experience. To tell you the truth, I’m sick and tired of just surviving life. It feels like the months are moving fast, and nothing has made me want to get up in the morning to live another day. Now, I know why some people walk around in that Goth look! On the real I feel like wearing nothing but black everyday until my life gives me  some reason to wear colors. Life  shouldn’t be this hard, I can’t believe God just put me here just to barely survive. Trying to juggle life, work, being a mom and wife is pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I’m so busy trying to pretend that I’m fine for everyone, but that’s taking too much effort. The constant whirlwind of emotions, obligations and responsibilities makes me feel like I’m beyond busy. I’m in survival mode, going about my day with that fake smile knowing I’m living under tremendous stress. To you on the outside, I know I look more than capable of handling shit but it’s getting harder and harder. I have so much I need to get done, but can’t find the energy to go on. I really want to thrive, I really want to smile for change and actually mean it. Oh well I’m home now, maybe I’ll have a glass of wine, ok 2! Lol the bottle!! Chat soon…..

Ms. Fran

Mental Health, Self Care, Depression, Anxiety

Another Monday as Usual

Well it’s Monday, all I can do is shake my head. After a pretty decent weekend, and I promise I tried staying positive about my life. All weekend, in the back of my mind all I could think about is “what if”? I spent a little money this weekend, and tried not to feel guilty. I brought a new outfit and again I tried not to feel guilty. All I can do is laugh right now to keep from crying, being with my bestie was great. The place we went was a diaster, celebrating a close family member only to be totally disrecpted. Funny in her defense she doesn’t even think she is doing anything wrong, or does she? So Sunday came I had a little anxiety attack, I talk myself down because I was trying to be positive and think positive. Went to bed, and prayed for a good Monday! Lmao, I guess ‘The Big Guy’ didn’t get it. Woke up feeling kind of iffy, but tried shaking the feeling off. Well then I lift my garage and what do I see??????? A damn frog, yes and if you have been keeping up, I told you all how everytime I see a frog it’s a bad omen. NO, I’m not that crazy, but it’s so damn true. He literally was looking right at me when I came out. The pup tried running to it, but I just shut the garage down and ran in the house. I started breathing heavy because I just knew it was sending me a sign something bad was going to be happening. And just like clock work, shit hit the fan. This situation with my son has come full force, and basically at this point it’s safe to say he may have to do some jail time. SMH, the pastor said a couple of weeks ago that “it will get worse before it gets better”. Hell, I guess this is it! The next step is death, because I’m not going to be able to go on with him locked up like some criminal thug. All I keep thinking is where did I go wrong as a parent? How could he be so selfish, and stupid? He wasn’t raised this way. His kid will be born in July, I just can’t imagine the pain he will feel if he misses the birth. My chest is hurting, my head is pounding! I need a damn drink, don’t want to break my fast but what the hell? Praying isn’t getting me one place right now, life just keeps getting worse and worse. I’m so tired of getting happy only to be let down. Tired of dreaming about the future when my present shows me nothing good now. Again, I can’t for life of me understand what I’m doing wrong? How come this cloud just sits on top of my house? I just keep thinking He is punishing me for something. I’m just going to give up moving forward with anything, because I’m tired of letting myself down and tired of getting my hopes up. Maybe I have already lived the best of my life and since I didn’t do what I was supposed to, it’s just to late now! Off I go to bed, I just don’t feel like dealing right now…chat soon.

Ms. Fran