So where did I last leave off?? Oh yeah….I was upset at the hubby and life so I decided to run away. I got in my car that night with nothing but bad thoughts on my mind, I wanted to run away but had no place to go. Didn’t want to bother my friends, family usually doesn’t want to hear about us arguing, so I was stuck. My mind was racing, heart beating fast, head pounding from all the crazy thoughts running around in it. I wanted to die, end it all and never come back. This I thought would teach them a damn lesson, so I decided to go get a couple of cans of beer and sit in the park. Crying, drinking, thinking, and still not sure what I want to do. All I know is I was fed up and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. The cans of beer didn’t do much but make me angrier, so there I sit in the park. What now???? I can’t live here, no clothes or a place to sleep. Then it hit me, I decided I didn’t want to die in a park to be found by school kids, too devastating. So I drove all the way across town in a bad neighbor to where my granny is buried. I figured if they find me at least I was already at the cemetery, lol! Hell just dig some dirt up and dump me in, no need for all the money being spent on a funeral. I’m here, I get out and walk around, crying so hard my eyes were starting to swell. I lay down on her grave and beg her to give me some sort of sign that I was doing the right thing. Committing suicide is something I don’t believe she would agree with, so I don’t know what I was expecting. My phone is ringing off the hook, everyone is texting and hubby is sleep, could care less what was happening to me. So I sit and think, think about my life and why it had to come to this? I blame my parents, family, doctors, husband, hell everybody… Why does life have to be so damn hard? My head can’t take all this fucking thinking, so it’s time to end it all, and just as I walk to my car….my body shifts. I no longer was crying, a little drunk but not crying. Then it hit me????? Go get help!! So I sat there! I ask granny was this her sign? Then I continue to sit there just to be sure. So I crank up the car and head in the direction to the hospital, now forgive me because I was a little drunk so don’t know how I made it. I’m sure my angel granny was riding shotgun on the side of me. I pull into the emergency and park my car, tell the guard I need to be seen. Now, I didn’t have much hope for this but wanted to see what they would do for me. So I drag my sad, hopeless, unworthy butt in the door. It was dark and not many people waiting, it was about 2 in the morning. I walk up to the counter and said, “please help me, I’m thinking of killing myself please don’t let me leave here“! There I said it…..whooo! I just took off 70lbs. of baggage.
I’m all checked in, now what??
They escort me in a wheelchair to the 5th floor of the hospital, they take all my personal belongings and hand me a gown. I’m scared, lonely, don’t know what’s going to happened. The security guard is at my door, it’s dark, and cold. What have I done? Now the guilt sets in! I’m worrying about everyone else, my son, dad, niece, mom and work. I just wanted to say NO this is not what I want!!! My body couldn’t move, I was frozen with fear or could it have been that damn opening in the back of the gown, lol! I fall asleep after they take blood and they give me something to calm me down. I am then pushed around the corner to be seen again, they off to a room. No TV, small bed, no favorite blanket, or my dog. I was now checked into the mental hospital and no one knows where I am. Sleep creeps up on me, so I just relax. The morning comes and they come in….I’m confused can’t remember where I am and if I could leave. I look a mess, my eyelashes are a mess. My head hurts, and I can’t think straight. The nurses all come in and explained to me what was going on, and what I was to expect. I really done it! I checked myself into a mental facility. This was my first time, and lord was I scared. After contacting my family and job, I decided to suck it up. You are here to get help missy!!!! So I settle in and decide to partake in what was going on. I had my room, no shoes, no cell, just me and the others walking around looking nervous. The nurses were very kind, the staff was courteous and they made me feel safe. I was to attend about 8 groups a day, do a journal, take all meds and interact with other patients. I couldn’t believe that so many young people who were in there, so many black men and elderly people. I was starting to feel sad for me and them. My classes and therapy were great! My new meds were kicking in and I was starting to feel right at home. We had visiting hours and the family came to see me. My hubby had to for the first time since I’ve been sick, come and actually see me in this hospital. He had to finally recognize that I’m sick dammit, and this mental illness thing is real. I hate that my son had to finally be told what I was going through, didn’t want him to think it had anything to do with him being in trouble. They were mad at me for some reason, then I started feeling guilty for wanting to get help. After about 2 days, I know longer thought about the outside world and decided I needed to be here for me. After 5 days of therapy and much rest I was ready to leave. Funny thing is I didn’t want to be back out in the world, I felt safe and secure back there. No phones, no people, no news, just me and all my new friends who didn’t judge me. It was a judge free zone, and I loved it. Now, I’m not going to say that I’m healed, but I have now been heard. Somebody heard me and listened to me. I am on some really great meds twice a day, and will have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I’m so happy that my brain is under a little control. Running away to the hospital was the best thing I have done in a long time and I’m not ashamed. I got help, the help I so badly needed. I encourage anyone who is at that breaking point to go seek help, now it may not work for everyone but please try. Chat soon…