Yes I Do!

Well I might as well come right on out and tell ya, I have been slipping back into my little dark tunnel. This last couple of weeks have been exhausting from once again trying to wear that mask. That “I’m Ok” mask, but I’m not feeling well and it’s bumming me out. All I have done these last couple of days is lay back in the bed, I get up every morning and don’t make my bed anymore. The one thing I was so proud about was I got to make my bed up in the morning, this was to keep me from getting back in. Lately I just make it up enough, and back in I go. Life has been ok, and I have been handling this really well, but something has me going down that hole again. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, because my son needs me to be strong for him. My hubby apparently thinks I’m all cured, since I have been hiding from him again. I kind of feel on the edge a bit, the constant stress is tiresome. My motivation is diminishing, I feel like I’m not succeeding as I want to. I haven’t seen my therapist in a week or so, she called yesterday and I sent her straight to voicemail. I’m feeling like I just want to sleep forever, or until this episode of my life is over. I have been so many new things ging on, but I’m not enjoying anything. It takes me forever now to get back out of the bed to work on my projects. I’m happy to be getting out the house with work, but my body is in so much pain, I find myself resting every other minute. This then slows me down, a house that takes an hour turns into 2! I’m not getting much sleep at night, because my brain won’t shut off. Lord knows I don’t want to go back to the old me again, but I don’t really think that me was gone yet anyways. Oh well this was my confession to you all, I’m constantly trying to encourage everyone, but not listening to my own advice…go figure!!! Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

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Not Much Sex….while in a Depressive State!

Well lately you all have read me going on about my new ebook coming soon, Sex and Depression. This topic hits home for me, and I wanted to see if others out there in the universe can relate. We so often talk about how depression makes us feel mentally, but what about physically? What does it mean for him/her to be in the mood but you’re not.! Sex is very important in every relationship, but what do you do when the only energy you had was wasted on trying to get out of bed that morning. You don’t feel like showering, much less being kissed on. No foreplay, because that just adds extra time to what will seem like eternity…in reality it only last about 5 minutes, LOL! I’m laughing to keep my spirits up, but this makes me feel like a bad wife sometimes. I have always been very sexual, but lately the thought of it makes me good and tired. Don’t know if I’m alone here, but it needs to be discussed. As you already know, sexual desires originate in the human brain. The sexual organs would depend on the chemicals that are being produced within the human brain. In fact, these chemicals are responsible for producing libido, and introducing changes to the blood flow, which are need for sexual activities. When a person is affected with depression, these brain chemicals would be disrupted. I’m no sex doctor, but started doing research on this topic to get advice for myself. I learned a lot and plan on sharing this with you in the new ebook, coming soon!!

Ms. Fran (No Sex Doctor)

Father’s Day Memories!

Happy Father’s Day to all my WordPress followers who are dads, hope your day is full of love. This day makes me a little sad, because my dad isn’t the same dad as 3 years ago. He is now stuck in a stroke body, using a walker, can barely get around. See I don’t have memories like you all did from childhood, my childhood was stained. I do however have memories after we reconnected when I was 19 and about to give birth to my son. For years we didn’t even know if he was in town, let alone alive. He was a really weird guy who didn’t want responsibility, he was able to be a free spirit while mom supported us the best she could. For years I always imagine what it would be like to run to my dad when things got bad. For years I use to wait for the mail, in hopes that he would write. None of those things came true, but I managed to live my life without a father figure. I use to always think of all the things I would say to him when the time came, would I yell, cry, or freeze up. To be honest, I did nothing. I acted like the 12-year-old girl back in grade school. I was happy to see him, a wave of emotions running through my body. And ever since me and him have been cool buddies. Then the stroke happened….caught us all by surprise. Well you all know that story, roles are reverse and I’m now taking care of him. So today we will continue to make new memories…..again have a wonderful father’s day dads out there. Cherish all your memories…chat soon!!!

Ms. Fran

So I ran away…..and got help!!!

So where did I last leave off?? Oh yeah….I was upset at the hubby and life so I decided to run away. I got in my car that night with nothing but bad thoughts on my mind, I wanted to run away but had no place to go. Didn’t want to bother my friends, family usually doesn’t want to hear about us arguing, so I was stuck. My mind was racing, heart beating fast, head pounding from all the crazy thoughts running around in it. I wanted to die, end it all and never come back. This I thought would teach them a damn lesson, so I decided to go get a couple of cans of beer and sit in the park. Crying, drinking, thinking, and still not sure what I want to do. All I know is I was fed up and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. The cans of beer didn’t do much but make me angrier, so there I sit in the park. What now???? I can’t live here, no clothes or a place to sleep. Then it hit me, I decided I didn’t want to die in a park to be found by school kids, too devastating. So I drove all the way across town in a bad neighbor to where my granny is buried. I figured if they find me at least I was already at the cemetery, lol! Hell just dig some dirt up and dump me in, no need for all the money being spent on a funeral. I’m here, I get out and walk around, crying so hard my eyes were starting to swell. I lay down on her grave and beg her to give me some sort of sign that I was doing the right thing. Committing suicide is something I don’t believe she would agree with, so I don’t know what I was expecting. My phone is ringing off the hook, everyone is texting and hubby is sleep, could care less what was happening to me. So I sit and think, think about my life and why it had to come to this? I blame my parents, family, doctors, husband, hell everybody… Why does life have to be so damn hard? My head can’t take all this fucking thinking, so it’s time to end it all, and just as I walk to my car….my body shifts. I no longer was crying, a little drunk but not crying. Then it hit me????? Go get help!! So I sat there! I ask granny was this her sign? Then I continue to sit there just to be sure. So I crank up the car and head in the direction to the hospital, now forgive me because I was a little drunk so don’t know how I made it. I’m sure my angel granny was riding shotgun on the side of me. I pull into the emergency and park my car, tell the guard I need to be seen. Now, I didn’t have much hope for this but wanted to see what they would do for me. So I drag my sad, hopeless, unworthy butt in the door. It was dark and not many people waiting, it was about 2 in the morning. I walk up to the counter and said, “please help me, I’m thinking of killing myself please don’t let me leave here“! There I said it…..whooo! I just took off 70lbs. of baggage.

I’m all checked in, now what??

They escort me in a wheelchair to the 5th floor of the hospital, they take all my personal belongings and hand me a gown. I’m scared, lonely, don’t know what’s going to happened. The security guard is at my door, it’s dark, and cold. What have I done? Now the guilt sets in! I’m worrying about everyone else, my son, dad, niece, mom and work. I just wanted to say NO this is not what I want!!! My body couldn’t move, I was frozen with fear or could it have been that damn opening in the back of the gown, lol! I fall asleep after they take blood and they give me something to calm me down. I am then pushed around the corner to be seen again, they off to a room. No TV, small bed, no favorite blanket, or my dog. I was now checked into the mental hospital and no one knows where I am. Sleep creeps up on me, so I just relax. The morning comes and they come in….I’m confused can’t remember where I am and if I could leave. I look a mess, my eyelashes are a mess. My head hurts, and I can’t think straight. The nurses all come in and explained to me what was going on, and what I was to expect. I really done it! I checked myself into a mental facility. This was my first time, and lord was I scared. After contacting my family and job, I decided to suck it up. You are here to get help missy!!!! So I settle in and decide to partake in what was going on. I had my room, no shoes, no cell, just me and the others walking around looking nervous. The nurses were very kind, the staff was courteous and they made me feel safe. I was to attend about 8 groups a day, do a journal, take all meds and interact with other patients. I couldn’t believe that so many young people who were in there, so many black men and elderly people. I was starting to feel sad for me and them. My classes and therapy  were great! My new meds were kicking in and I was starting to feel right at home. We had visiting hours and the family came to see me. My hubby had to for the first time since I’ve been sick, come and actually see me in this hospital. He had to finally recognize that I’m sick dammit, and this mental illness thing is real. I hate that my son had to finally be told what I was going through, didn’t want him to think it had anything to do with him being in trouble. They were mad at me for some reason, then I started feeling guilty for wanting to get help. After about 2 days, I know longer thought about the outside world and decided I needed to be here for me. After 5 days of therapy and much rest I was ready to leave. Funny thing is I didn’t want to be back out in the world, I felt safe and secure back there. No phones, no people, no news, just me and all my new friends who didn’t judge me. It was a judge free zone, and I loved it. Now, I’m not going to say that I’m healed, but I have now been heard. Somebody heard me and listened to me. I am on some really great meds twice a day, and will have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I’m so happy that my brain is under a little control. Running away to the hospital was the best thing I have done in a long time and I’m not ashamed. I got help, the help I so badly needed. I encourage anyone who is at that breaking point to go seek help, now it may not work for everyone but please try. Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

 

 

Just Making Through the Day!

Good evening good people, finally took some time to sit down at my desk to check emails and stuff. Physically my body is just so tired, I’m dragging through out the day and can barely keep my eyes open. Emotionally I’m no good either, just on this roller coaster ride of emotions. It’s finally Thursday and the week has been draining as usual, can’t keep my mind focus on work or life. My feet, back, head, shoulders and brain hurts. I’m just the walking dead, with no life left in me. I feel like my body is physically here, but mind is some where across the globe. It’s like I’m looking down on my life, like some out-of-body experience. To tell you the truth, I’m sick and tired of just surviving life. It feels like the months are moving fast, and nothing has made me want to get up in the morning to live another day. Now, I know why some people walk around in that Goth look! On the real I feel like wearing nothing but black everyday until my life gives me  some reason to wear colors. Life  shouldn’t be this hard, I can’t believe God just put me here just to barely survive. Trying to juggle life, work, being a mom and wife is pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I’m so busy trying to pretend that I’m fine for everyone, but that’s taking too much effort. The constant whirlwind of emotions, obligations and responsibilities makes me feel like I’m beyond busy. I’m in survival mode, going about my day with that fake smile knowing I’m living under tremendous stress. To you on the outside, I know I look more than capable of handling shit but it’s getting harder and harder. I have so much I need to get done, but can’t find the energy to go on. I really want to thrive, I really want to smile for change and actually mean it. Oh well I’m home now, maybe I’ll have a glass of wine, ok 2! Lol the bottle!! Chat soon…..

Ms. Fran

Another Monday as Usual

Well it’s Monday, all I can do is shake my head. After a pretty decent weekend, and I promise I tried staying positive about my life. All weekend, in the back of my mind all I could think about is “what if”? I spent a little money this weekend, and tried not to feel guilty. I brought a new outfit and again I tried not to feel guilty. All I can do is laugh right now to keep from crying, being with my bestie was great. The place we went was a diaster, celebrating a close family member only to be totally disrecpted. Funny in her defense she doesn’t even think she is doing anything wrong, or does she? So Sunday came I had a little anxiety attack, I talk myself down because I was trying to be positive and think positive. Went to bed, and prayed for a good Monday! Lmao, I guess ‘The Big Guy’ didn’t get it. Woke up feeling kind of iffy, but tried shaking the feeling off. Well then I lift my garage and what do I see??????? A damn frog, yes and if you have been keeping up, I told you all how everytime I see a frog it’s a bad omen. NO, I’m not that crazy, but it’s so damn true. He literally was looking right at me when I came out. The pup tried running to it, but I just shut the garage down and ran in the house. I started breathing heavy because I just knew it was sending me a sign something bad was going to be happening. And just like clock work, shit hit the fan. This situation with my son has come full force, and basically at this point it’s safe to say he may have to do some jail time. SMH, the pastor said a couple of weeks ago that “it will get worse before it gets better”. Hell, I guess this is it! The next step is death, because I’m not going to be able to go on with him locked up like some criminal thug. All I keep thinking is where did I go wrong as a parent? How could he be so selfish, and stupid? He wasn’t raised this way. His kid will be born in July, I just can’t imagine the pain he will feel if he misses the birth. My chest is hurting, my head is pounding! I need a damn drink, don’t want to break my fast but what the hell? Praying isn’t getting me one place right now, life just keeps getting worse and worse. I’m so tired of getting happy only to be let down. Tired of dreaming about the future when my present shows me nothing good now. Again, I can’t for life of me understand what I’m doing wrong? How come this cloud just sits on top of my house? I just keep thinking He is punishing me for something. I’m just going to give up moving forward with anything, because I’m tired of letting myself down and tired of getting my hopes up. Maybe I have already lived the best of my life and since I didn’t do what I was supposed to, it’s just to late now! Off I go to bed, I just don’t feel like dealing right now…chat soon.

Ms. Fran

Friends, Music & Depression

Typing as I sit in the staircase of my house, because it’s stormy outside and I’m totally terrified of storms. Just made it home in time before I was caught  in all that rain, my anxiety level on midway but driving and doing fine. See my bestie (family) invited me to dinner tonight and after a long day at work, I wasn’t feeling it. Being very persistent like he usually is, I ended up going. He cooked grilled pork chops, broccoli salad, and potatoes. Yummy, because my stomach was on ‘E’ (empty) and I wasn’t cooking anything. So I fussed, cussed and proclaimed I wasn’t going. Of course I did and when I tell you it was absolutely wonderful, I wouldn’t have left but the bad weather was coming.  Since I’m so anxious about the dark, rain, driving, and life I had to leave.  As I pulled out the yard I started to cry, then I put on the music. Music blaring threw my speakers loud, one of my favorite hip-hop songs! Moolah: By: Young Greatness, not for everyone but when I’m in my music mood this shit hits the spot. Yes, sometimes as classy and fabulous as I be, that rap music sits in my soul. Rap music you ask??? Hmm, because I can relate sometimes it takes me back to my bad girl (stripper) days. Lol I bet you will read my next book. Any who, he showed some new Missy Elliot video and it had me straight crunk (as the kids would say). I found myself wanting to dance and twirl like I use too. Music is my life and I just let it go, not playing it, hearing it, or dancing to it. Depression didn’t take that away, it just brought in the sad music that made me cry, feel lonely, and sad. Tonight I danced, tonight I swayed, tonight I enjoyed music like I use too. Thanks to my best friend, my family,my Clyde! He has seen me at my very lowest taking pills out my hand, I couldn’t ask for a better friend who started off as just a simple neighbor. Tell me God doesn’t work his magic. He is in every situation good or bad and I thank Him for allowing my friend to be there, right there across the street. Chat soon…

Ms. Fran

 

I just finished day 1 of the @YouVersion plan ‘Flawless: Seeing Ourselves Through God’s Eyes’. Check it out here:

http://bible.com/r/zy

My Week In Review

So I’m up as usual about 4:00 a.m. my time, hello 4 been waiting on you. !!!

Well I went to bed pretty early, because I was totally exhausted this week and could no longer hold my eyes open. Friday came crashing down around me like some energy drink, I’m just doomed by the end of the day. This week like most weeks in my life took a lot out of me, and again I felted overwhelmed and aggravated with the whole process. Now, remember me writing telling you all I would continue to write about the bad things that take part in my life, but I also wanted to give you all a little bit of the good. So where do I start???? I think I will start with the bad just to keep you in suspense as I reveal the most exciting news by far. Here we go:

  • Monday was very awful and y’all know how much I dread this day, and like usual I got the bad news of my little cousin being murdered. 17 years of age, gone over some senseless argument over nothing. My world just fell apart because I remember him being born and how cute and chubby he was. Words can’t express how awful I feel for his mom, I could only cry and let her know that I would be there for anything she needed. We as black people have to do better with our youth and gun violence. His funeral is this afternoon and my son was asked to be a pall bearer, this hit Kenneth pretty hard. I can only imagine he is thinking of everything that’s going on with him, so I’m trying to be strong because I know he needs me. So far I have put on the biggest front of my life. I just want to break down, and let him know that I’m so afraid of losing him. I don’t, and instead I just keep praying for him everyday.
  • Tuesday of course wasn’t much better, because I woke up with a hangover. Yes, I know I’m fasting for Lent, but the news of my cousin passing just put over the edge for a minute. So I did what I normally do, is drink and drink until I can’t remember anything. That only lasted for that night, and then of course with my damn head pounding I came back to reality. Went to work looking horrible and crazy, hair hasn’t been done in about 3 weeks (a record for me). Coworkers asking “are you ok”, do I look ok? I made it through that day, and prayed about falling off my fast for a bit.
  • Wednesday-Thursday I managed to pull it together, was feeling really out of it and was trying to put on this front for my hubby. He came home for a couple of days and I just know he is tired of seeing me looking a hot mess. I’m usually wearing a scarf on head, big girl panties, and some old lady night-gown. I don’t feel sexy, so I don’t dress sexy anymore. Praying and praying he doesn’t want to have sex, but he’s a man so of course he does. I just have no desire at all to perform my wifely duties, and this makes me so sad. He doesn’t deserve this, after being on that road for days the least I could do is fix myself up. I just have no energy, or motivation to do anything. I did have a talk with him about it, and I was real honest. For once he didn’t act like a spoiled kid, he actually told me it was ok and to get myself better first. Whew…what a relief, I love him and don’t want any other woman doing for him what I’m so good at doing, lol!
  • Friday, St. Patty’s Day and the school was a lit up with green. Of course I managed to put a cute green bow in my hair (finally got my hair did), and a cute green top. I brought the kiddos a special snack and we made Shamrock hats. The school was full of laughter, but I was dying inside. Dying to get home and pull off that shit and collapse. I’m not that happy, and it was exhausting trying to fake it all damn  week. I made it home and in my mind I was going to clean up and bring out the Easter stuff, yeah right. The bed was calling my name and I jumped right in, I missed going out with my friend after he so generously asked me out. I just wanted to sleep this awful week away, still anxiously awaiting the phone call from my son’s lawyer has taken a toll on us all. I can’t imagine my child in a jail cell, so I’m hoping God can turn this situation around. He has so much he wants to accomplish, praying the justice system does right by him.

Well after all that doom and gloom, I really do have some exciting news of which I have known about for a while. At first I wasn’t happy, hell I was down right mad but I can see the positive in this particular situation. So here we go??????????

In July this year, I will officially become that ‘G’ word!!!! Lol you know the word…..please don’t make me say it!!! Oh well it’s Grandma…..yes my baby is having a baby and I am actually pretty happy about it. I know he’s to young (21), but of course he didn’t listen to all the stories I told him about me. So I was very upset and actually depressed, because I felt he was falling into the same trap I did. All I  could think about is him losing his life to take care of another life, what I mean by that is, I couldn’t fulfill my dreams because I had to be a parent first. After much talking, lol ok yelling we agreed to disagree about his future and he assured me that he was going to make me proud as a new dad. Well here it is, I’m going to be that ‘G’ word!! Yes I know, I’m to young and I look to fab to be that word, so we have decided that Kayden (baby’s name) can call me “Abuela”. That’s the ‘G’ word in Spanish because his mom is of Mexican decent, since that’s going to be his second language might as well teach him now, lol!!! See something good did happen to me, and I can actually see the positive in this. I’m ready to go baby shopping, and first on the list are Gucci Moccasins….yes my little man will wear great shoes like his Abuela…pics to come I promise. Thinking about him coming into our lives, makes me hope maybe he can turn my frown upside down. 

Well there you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly of my week. Guess what?? I survived another one, without falling off a cliff. Like my quote said, it is ok to feel nothing because all I feel sometime is pain, but hopefully things will look up soon. I’m going to try to keep it together for this funeral today, please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers…chat soon.

Ms. Fran

 

Feeling Angry, Fat and Ashamed!

Good evening, so by now you all have seen my little video on my You Tube Channel (more on that later). I had the most awful experience with the second worst black doctor I have met, and it made me cry just a little while ago. I went in there hoping for some help and I poured my heart out to the nurse. After waiting for an hour in the back, I had to finally go out and ask was I next? So of course Mr. Cool Black Doc slides in, *blank stare*…hear we go, first he stood so far from me like I was fucking contagious. Then he proceeded to slap my tummy and tell me how fat I was!! At this point I’m thinking WTF??? what does this have to do with the rash I have and my anxiety attack. So after not letting me speak, he then told me my breast where to big and I had on the wrong, cheap bra. Cheap????? First off I don’t wear cheap anything much less bras, because I know that I’m top-heavy. So he suggested Sonoma, lol well are you paying Mr. Doctor Man???? I mean he was just all over the place, but yet to ask me how I was feeling or why I needed my meds. When I explained that my insurance didn’t cover Mental Health, he said I should quit my damn job.??????? Now, tell me if this was his opinion or medical advice? I almost wanted to go into my old mode and offer him a date, with a little dollar sign at the end, lol!!! Thank God I’m not that chick anymore. I just can’t believe how another black doctor has treated me because of my mental illness. We have to do better black people and get the word out. Mental Illness is a damn disease, so why do they take it so likely? He told me that I was going to die….duh you think????? Yeah I’m going to die if I keep seeing black doctors, now please don’t get me wrong that I don’t support my people. My people just have a strange way of dealing with mental illness and I don’t want any part of this shit. No one should leave the doctors feeling ashamed, feeling like they were less than because I wasn’t skinny. He made me feel like I somehow brought this on myself, because I’m not suffering from mental illness, I just eat to damn much. Well NEWS FLASH…..stress eating is a symptom of depression jack ass. I don’t know what black doctors get out of putting their damn opinion in with medical advice, but the shit isn’t cute and this is why so many black people don’t get damn help. So if I die, please show these post because some black doctor in South Carolina killed me. Please don’t come for me about well not all black docs are like that, freeze….I didn’t say all. Just the two damn dummies who I have encountered. You can play with Mental Health in the black community if you want??? Soon this will be an epidemic amongst us and we will be dying faster than bullets….chat soon!!!

Ms. Fran ( Depressive Diva)